puking never felt so good

2012-02-15T09:22:00.003-06:00

Recently, within the past 2 months, one of my good friends has gone Vegan. He claims that after 18 months of research, he has come to the conclusion that meat is bad for you and that it's just not healthy.

Most of you who know me (the 4 or so that read this) know that I would disagree with that statement 100% as well as the Vegan lifestyle. Historically, Veganism has only existed for the past 150 years. There is no evidence in the fossil record of a human or human ancestor that was a vegetarian, let alone, a vegan. Primitive man instinctively killed and ate animals.

Where the whole argument meat is bad for you comes into play is eating meat raised in feedlots. Cows that are fed corn are bad for you. Cows themselves are not bad for you, but when you raise them wrong and feed them poison, hormones, and antibiotics, then yes, you should stop eating that meat. When they're raised eating grass and allowed to mature, then yes, you should eat that meat.

There's a whole mess of science that I could use to justify pastured raised animals, however, I won't put that here. I'm going to use logic instead.

If a water supply becomes tainted, do you stop drinking all water, or do you just stop drinking the tainted water?

In the same way, if a cow is fed toxins and hormones, do you stop eating all cows? No, just the toxic ones. Come on people, be smart.

When I read the arguments on vegan blogs against meat, most of them are not steeped in science but opinion. WOW, great, keep that to yourself and let the science do the talking.

Anywho, just had to get that out there. Eat meat, it's good for you.

2012-02-07T14:34:00.003-06:00

The funk that I've been trapped in the past year or so seems to be drying up. I find myself thinking like the old me again. I'm finally free of that crap. It is so true that apart from God man is nothing. Man is a destroyer capable of nothing but harm. Even in his "shining" moment, he's never content, he will destroy what he creates to try to find something more. All the while the something more is far removed from his own being and waiting in a relationship with Christ Jesus. There really is nothing that will ever, and I mean ever be the same. It will never fill that void that was purposefully created by the creator.

No matter how many times I have hit the wall in the past year or so it still has never been enough to just shake me of my own stupidity. The human flesh craves itself. It is driven to satisfy itself. It is bound by hell to destroy itself through gratification. Sometimes I would just wonder how long before the world around me just falls apart and everything I love is taken from me. It was in those moments when I finally just snapped out of it to know that God loves me and is forgiving and apart from him, I am a most despicable creature.

There is life in this confession. There is life in the subduing of the flesh. When the flesh is subdued then the spirit has no hindrance in its fellowship with God. It is free to receive love and mercy and forgiveness. I have been an animal void of all of those things.

My Dark Passenger has had its way too long.

2012-01-24T11:02:00.004-06:00

To follow up with the call from the past, we had another call and we just laid everything out and talked about it even more and wouldn't ya know it, more closure. It was good. It was healthy. We both talked about how mad we were with each other. We both talked about how we made mistakes. We both forgave each other. It was good. It was needed.

I felt a ton of relief after that phone call. It has finally ended.

Thanks for dealing with me through the past year. It means a lot to me...Shane, Levi, & Chris.

2012-01-23T11:47:00.002-06:00

Today I took a great phone call from the past. It was good. It brought a lot of closure to everything. I always felt like there was some closure missing in that part of my life and it came out and that was awesome.

"I remembered what we talked about and our situation and how I just completely handled that the wrong way and ruined it..."

I didn't expect to hear that. Not at all. It was nice to hear and it offered relief and confirmation that I didn't do anything wrong, and it just made my heart feel at ease. It was funny that this person has been going out of their way to make contact with me again, I figured maybe she wanted to try again...and if she was, I was ready to give it one more chance. But, I don't think it will go that way as things with the other guy are going "well". I'm more than OK with that :-)

As for me, it's a good sign to move on more and keep going. I will say that my heart still hurts a little. No matter what, it takes time for that to repair and even though my mind has moved on, my heart is still mending. It's good. I just have to understand that it will always take time. Time to let her go and all that negative stuff from the past. Wonder when I'll be completely whole?

I often wonder if I'll ever be the same....Part of me thinks not. There's a reason this all happened. There's a reason this all went the way it did. It has taught me a lot and changed me...albeit some of the change was not for the best, but still, it was for my benefit as it exposed more and more of my darkness to me and showed me what I'm really capable of...scary shit. Back to finding who I really am to be....

2011-12-29T16:47:00.003-06:00

Been working out again a ton and it's felt great! Took an unexpected rest day today and slept in before returning to work. I have had the last 5 days off so it was kind of like a vacation. It felt great.

Working out consistently has been amazing. Been losing some of that weight I put back on when I slacked off and didn't care about how I ate. Now that Christmas is over, I can get back on the eating right campaign and eat well. Ate a lot of pizza and dessert for Christmas which roadblocked me from losing weight, but it tasted great! LOL!

Thinking about setting some reading goals for 2012. That's one area I always seem to slip. For work I am reading 1 book a month so I think for personal reading, I'd like to add to that and try to read a total of 2 books/month or maybe even 3 if I'm feeling focused and determined. A little F&D goes a long way!

The lady situation is calming down again. I can finally say I'm completely over Nicole and the whole thing. It's done in my mind and heart, which feels nice. I'm glad that's over. It took a while but now it's done. Looking forward to what's ahead. I was hoping I'd feel this a hell of a lot earlier, but better late than never.

2011-12-18T22:09:00.002-06:00

This past week and weekend brought some new ideas to my mind that are good and most likely, very needed. I realized that I have been putting my self into relationships and people that aren't good for me. I know that previously, there have been plenty of evidence of that with the girl situation. However, even more so than that, I have been noticing it with others.

I have a lot of people in my life that half-ass it when it comes to being my friend. They say they'll call and make plans with me then just completely flake out and never even call to explain. I keep putting into these relationships and it's clearly been a waste of my time. I have forsaken so many good relationships to pour into shitty ones. I'm done with that. I'm done with trying to insert myself into other's lives and constantly getting disappointed or shit on. It's time to just continue to forge ahead and keep the good valuable ones and be content with that, I have no idea why I keep trying it the other way around.

Boots to Asses.

2011-12-08T20:41:00.001-06:00

Tonite I stopped in to Transit and said hello, gave some hugs then headed home. Here I am, trying to blog before I fall asleep. It's not going to happen though. I really haven't had a lot of things to blog about.

I have like 500 starts in my head but nothing that's complete. Been focused on work and trying to continue to grow and develop there. I've been eating, drinking, and sleeping analytics lately. It's been good. But for now, I need an early bed time.

Good night.

2011-11-17T07:07:00.002-06:00

There has been a series of events that have led up to this, but since Sunday night, I've been feeling like my old self again. You know, that guy I was about a year ago. I had to do some serious soul-searching the past few weeks and every time I tried it was too much to handle at first but this past weekend I just got into it and didn't come out till I found myself again. I found the old Brad and he and I killed the new Brad that were just throwing our life away (I suppose I sound like a schizophrenic).

I called Chris last night to tell him that I was feeling like my old self and that I had basically been living in rebellion. That being said, it wasn't some incredibly major moral decline or debauchery, it was just me living in my will. I kept surrounding myself with people in the world and kept enough of heaven out of my life that it just kept pushing me further and further away from God and then finally it just sets in that you're not the person you used to be.

I would read old blog posts from over a year ago and I would see how I would dialogue with the scriptures and realized I'm just not that guy any more.

But, and there's always a but with this kind of stuff, God IS FAITHFUL. He drew me back and basically sent me a letter saying:

Dear Son,

Get your head out of your ass.

Love,

God

So, Monday through Wednesday was a pulling my head out of my ass period. It's been good. The knowledge of God is a scary thing but it can also be the one thing that keeps us safe. Knowing right from wrong, and knowing that God's promises are better than anything the world has to offer is something to hold on to.

I think God knows that I'm one of those damn stubborn people who has to find his own way which is why I go through periods of God turning me loose to my own thinking so that I can see how destructive I can be and how painful it is to live away from him. It works every time! LOL! I am glad to be back. I'm glad that God is a god of love and redemption and he disciplines us for our benefit.

Chris said that everything I told him last night was an answer to a year long prayer. I agree. It's the weirdest thing when you are slipping away. You see it, you know it's happening and you just watch it and it's like you're seeing it in 3rd person. You just watch yourself degrade.

And now that it's over, I feel a hunger for scripture and prayer. I feel a desire to be found in God more than I did before. Philippians Brad 2.0

"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life." -- 1 Timothy 1:15-16

2011-10-31T21:30:00.003-05:00

Monday has come and gone. I'm glad. Monday was a rough day. Not only was work extremely busy for me, but I also had to make a stop at the mall on the way home which means I have to spend more time in traffic that I don't want to be in since I can't really take the expressway to the mall. Bummer. But, on a good note, I picked up several great things for the house from Bath & Body Works. Place smells amazing!

In more serious places in life, I was hit with some pretty hard stuff this past weekend. Not hard like in bad news concerning close people. It involved me and life and who I am and where I'm at. There are things in my life that have happened that I haven't really dealt with and now I have to.

I realized that the whole Nicole thing did a lot more damage than I've ever acknowledged. I have tried to move on and just pick up where life left off and it's damn near impossible to do so until this has been dealt with. I was hurt badly, and I still love her and think about her. I still wonder if by some weird stroke of fate, we'll get back together, both having become better people. She still owns pieces of my mind and heart and I haven't let those go. I have no idea why it's like this. I have no idea why I can't let go. I have no clue why it hurts me a little that she won't even say hi to me when she sees me.

I've seen all of the past with her affect how I am in the present with other women. I have been very guarded around Kat. I haven't really complimented her much or told her how beautiful she is because I don't want to get close to someone and go through that same bull shit again. It's like a wall that's there in my mind that I can't get rid of. I want to tell her those things, I want to pursue her but something keeps me from it and it's almost like it's becoming an insecurity. I feel like it keeps leading me back to this place where I just need to be with myself again, like I was before Nicole. Find comfort in me again and stop chasing someone to fill that gap. It's OK to have that gap and I used to always be comfy with it but when you have someone (I use that term loosely considering the past), and then they're gone, it feels a little weird.

Anywho, I know that what's happening now with Kat is fine as it seems neither of us are in a place to really pursue anything. I think we both want to pursue it and we both are interested in each other, but the timing is settling in a bit and it's best to wait for that...which will give me the space I need to get through the past.

Shane, all this started to come to mind when I was talking to you that night in your apartment. I felt like I was becoming this rock-hound and just chasing every skirt that came my way....yikes. :-) Love you, thanks for chatting that night.

2011-10-28T05:26:00.002-05:00

I posted a picture on my Facebook last night for lack of a better term, to solicit a response from my Facebook friends. I got it. It's pretty interesting what people have said in the comments. The picture makes a lot of assumptions. It really does. It's a picture of Willow Creek which I knew ahead of time. I thought that would be great since there are a lot of Willow folks in my friend's list.

Interesting how people will either defend the statement the picture makes or disagree with it. Personally, I don't really have an opinion one way or the other. I just posted it to spark conversation. :-)

2011-10-20T17:20:00.003-05:00

There's definitely a cold coming in my future...it's already starting. Being an analyst, I've studied the coincidences of two things that always seem to happen side by side.

1) I start feeling a cold coming on
2) I start feeling burnt out.

In this "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" scenario, I'm almost positive the burnout is what's setting the table for sickness. I say that with my knowledge of how the immune system works under stress and since I've been under a lot of stress at work, I'm assuming that has left the door open for a cold.

Oh well, time to regroup at home soon. Tonite is my last night out till Sunday. So, after tonite, resting till Sunday. Looking forward to an entire day Saturday of just chillin' at my house and doing nothing strenuous...hoping to beat this cold

In other less serious findings, I started noticing some trends on twitter recently. I think there's a checklist of required things Pastors have to have in their profiles on twitter...here they are:

1) You have to call yourself a Christ-Follower
2) You have to call yourself a "Creative"
3) Your profile pic must contain tattoos, facial hair, or you smoking or holding a beer...because you're edgy and not just another Pastor.
4) Even if you're vision is 20/20, get some black rimmed glasses would ya?!
5) Call yourself an advocate to the poor or some other cause that makes you look awesome

Just some random fun thoughts.

2011-10-14T21:34:00.002-05:00

Right now, I'm happier that it's the weekend more than I ever have been. To say this has been a rough week is an understatement! It seemed like everything I touched at work turned to shit no matter how confident I was that it was done well. No matter what, nothing went right. Things kept coming back with mistakes and over and over again, I let my team down. The hardest part of all of it was that my team lead, who's a freaking genius, kept having my back and kept walking me through my mistakes to make me better. He never got angry at me, but used every mistake as a major teaching moment. I can definitely say that I left work tonite a better employee because of all these mistakes which lead to teaching moments.

Analytics isn't about speed. It's about precision. I was forfeiting precision to have speed. To get things accomplished quickly...then it caught up to me and my work was awful and I was wasting more time re-doing everything. It's not about speed. It's about presenting the best data sliced the best way so that your organization can make the best decision possible. We do a lot of work that supports or dissents decisions at my company and no one can afford to have a loose cannon shooting out errant statistics at a quick pace....that's destructive.

The focus is to work on precision and accuracy first and let the speed come from that. My team lead has agreed to spot check all of my analysis and reports before they get sent to the higher ups so that not only will I look good, but ultimately, my team will look good. My team has put a lot of trust in me which is why I get to handle one of our top 3 clients. It's scary sometimes, but good.

2011-10-10T17:47:00.002-05:00

And just like that, life moves on. It's been an exciting few weeks lately. Been dealing with the usual obstacles that come with cutting someone out of your life but soon that will all be normal and there won't be any awkwardness. I'm looking forward to the day when it's no longer weird or awkward. For me, I just pretend like she's not even there. It helps. I mean, hell, if she doesn't want to talk to me because she's mad at me, which is stupid, who cares. Life goes on.

I finally made plans with a girl I've been thinking about for a long time...a neighbor of one of my friends. Sunday night we ordered some pizza, I made the dessert and we just chilled and watched a movie. Then, we just sat together and talked. We're both kind of at this place that's kind of like a crossroads of relationships. She's trying to move on, I'm trying to move on and we'll see where we both end up. It would be nice if we moved on and found each other in that way. I really enjoy talking with her and being around her, she has said the same about me, so we'll see what time has for us.

I feel like there's a lot of growth in life that's happening. I feel like I'm maturing a bit. I definitely believe I've learned a ton from the Nicole situation. I mean, I've learned A LOT! In fact, everything I learned from that mess is making life with this new girl a lot better. I'm going slower and getting to know her more and just enjoying the day that's in front of me and not thinking past that. And, I'm going to continue to see other people too instead of putting my eggs all in one basket. If it gets to the point where we start spending more and more time together, obviously, my time with other girls will decrease and maybe we'll move towards seeing each other exclusively. Who knows? But until that time, living in the today and lovin' every minute of it.

2011-09-26T22:27:00.001-05:00

Made my first Rib Roast tonite...it turned out perfect. I mean, what's better than a roast that's a big ole ribeye steak??? Nothing.

Life in general is going well besides a bunch of late nights and missed workouts. Hoping to get back on the horse again tomorrow morning and keep the fitness going. Asked a girl out last week. She said yes. Looking to schedule that date soon. Can't wait.

Work is work. Buried up to my eyeballs though, hoping tomorrow I can dig my way out!

2011-09-18T22:52:00.003-05:00

Received a text tonite from that mean girl. She basically shat on me for talking "shit" about her. I wonder why she won't ever say, "talking truth" about her. I mean, everything I've been talking about is honest. I didn't respond. I won't give her that kind of respect any more. I've had quite enough of her shitting on me the past 8 months or so. Figured I'd just let it go and let her lash out at me one last time since it's what helps her self-esteem.

It's always about her. It's never about me. Her. The self-centered tragedy that I tried to fix; and failed quite miserably to fix if I do say so myself. Her belligerent text to me is exactly the kind of stuff her lying, cheating ex would send to her. It's not out of the ordinary that she'd treat me the same way. Guilt has a way of doing that to someone. Maybe just for once you could take responsibility for your actions and maybe apologize. But instead, you'd rather shit on me. So, that's fine...I won't even honor anything you say with a response. You're in my past now, stop trying to be part of my present.

2011-09-12T21:17:00.001-05:00

Life is all about moving on. I've learned that I need to put blinders on and move forward with no looking back. No looking back at all. Not even a glance. Just keep going. You're going to be fine. Time will be our healer. Space will be our guardian. It's OK. It really is.

2011-08-22T20:50:00.002-05:00

So, there's been a lot that has gone down since we last met. I know Shane, you're probably thinking, "Brad starts a lot of posts like this." You're right. I do. And ya know what? I can! LOL!

Anywho, well, the final chapter has been written, the book was closed, then thrown into the fire. I'm sure anyone reading this would think that the previous statement is just a lie or a damn lie and that in a day or two, I'll be back to the same old drama. WRONG. It's all gone now. It's all left me. There were a lot of things that just hit me like a ton of bricks and they were things that I knew were going on but I just kind of ignored them for the current syntax of "what" we were. Here's how it all went down.

I noticed while hanging out one day that she lied to me about who called her. That happened again the next day. There have been about a dozen or so lies that I've caught her in since the beginning. Add on top of that, all the secret text messaging, and hiding her phone while she texts etc. etc. and then I realized: Why the fuck would I want to be with someone who lies to me and texts other guys in a "secret" fashion?! She doesn't really love me or care about me, she likes what I give to her and how faithful I am to answer the phone or be there for her.

This has all been going on for months and it finally just became enough for me. In fact, too much. So, I decided it was time to move on...then last Thursday happened and I met The Marx's neighbor and she was awesome. It showed me that real cool girls are out there and that I don't have to settle for Little Miss Lies & Deception to have someone. So, that was the nail in the coffin. I'm glad.

The following Saturday, I was downtown hanging with my friend Christy. She's awesome and someone I just like being around. We have a lot of fun just chattin' and goofing off. Well, I got down to the city at 1pm and we hit the movies, dinner, the plaza, etc. By 6:30pm I had a text message that said, "Are you mad at me or something?" I respond, "No, why?" The next texts are hilarious:

"You keep ignoring my calls. I've called you 5 times since 1pm"

I didn't have any missed calls so not sure what she's talking about. Ohhh, Little Miss L&D, what's wrong? Can't control me any more??

And after reading those texts, this was affirmed for me:

She never loved me. She never even really cared about me. It was more about what she could get from me. She never gave to me. She was never thoughtful of me. It was about control and getting what she wanted from me. So, I've backed off and moved on. I'm not answering the phone much if at all and keeping the conversation short. I'm also not hanging out with her as much as I used to as I move forward.

It's been good. Wish this would've come a long time ago...might have made everyone's life a little easier. So, for those of you who read this, I'm sorry for being an asshole the past 9 months. Moving on now....everything looks a whole hell of a lot better!

2011-08-13T23:43:00.002-05:00

I found today that life goes on and it's good and there's plenty of it waiting for me out there. So, I'm going to go enjoy it. That's all.

Peaces.

2011-08-12T12:16:00.001-05:00

Kenny Rogers was right,

"You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold
'em"

Looks like it's time to "fold 'em" and get up from the table.

2011-08-08T15:57:00.002-05:00

Most important lesson learned the past few days, especially last night?

Never take your eyes off yourself in a relationship--always work on making a better you for the person you're with. When you stop doing that because you're unhappy with something the other person did, then you become someone you're not and in that one moment, all the wrong parts of you flare up and it does nothing but damage....very heavy damage.

That happened to me last night. It's going to take a lot to repair the damage that was done. Thankfully, the repair work has already begun.

2011-08-02T15:12:00.002-05:00

She told me this past Sunday that she's been thinking about dating me a lot. She told me that she thought it would be really good and that everything is leaning that way. I've learned to not put a lot of stock in things like this. It's one thing to be thinking about something and another to be executing it. So what, you're thinking about dating me? You've said that a few times before. What does that mean? When will you decide? Are you thinking about it because you know you probably should make some decision about it?

It will be interesting to see what happens. I wonder if I'll stick around long enough to find out. Kind of like a cliff-hangin' soap opera, right?

2011-07-27T21:42:00.002-05:00

So I found out what she was talking about with her aunt. She told me that all she was talking to her aunt about was all the good stuff about me and that her aunt just kept saying to her over and over again that these are the reasons why she needs to choose me. LOL! It was cute. Her Aunt again told her that she was pulling for me. It was very nice to hear. I could tell from that conversation forward things have been different in a good way. Things have felt the way they did back in the first 2 weeks.

We went out Tuesday night and had dinner and did some shopping and just had a ton of fun. Our conversations on the phone today have been very fun and pleasant. They've been long too. It's been a welcomed change of pace. I don't know how to explain nor will I try. I'm just going to enjoy the moments for it's all I've got.

She leaves for Arkansas this week. I'm gonna miss her but it will be good for her to be away from everything and be with her Aunt who adores me :-)

2011-07-26T14:27:00.002-05:00

So, I keep pondering that previous question from an earlier post and it keeps haunting me. We talked today quite a few times. My love for her is very strong and it just occupies my mind a lot. I got some good advice this morning from a good friend to keep considering that question that I'm asking myself.

Today while talking to her on the phone, she told me that she was talking with her aunt today about me and when I asked her what she talked about she told me she wasn't going to tell me until she was in Arkansas and that it wasn't bad or good news or anything it was one step above neutral. I didn't understand what that meant at all. I wonder why she won't tell me now. I wonder why it freaked her out to talk about it and why she was running to get off the phone.

Part of me is afraid it will be that conversation where she tells me she's going to be with him. But, I can't imagine how that's one step better than neutral approaching awesome on her 1 to 10 scale...1 being terrible news and 10 being the best, with 5 as nuetral, this is a 6. So, maybe it means she's closer to choosing me...which sounds weird. I feel like this has been a contest all along, a weird twisted contest. I don't know how else to describe this. I wonder why she wouldn't tell me yet. LOL!

My only question is, did she make it a 6 based on how it impacts her or me? Ohhh, that's the big question....why am I even worried about this stuff?

2011-07-25T11:21:00.004-05:00

Over this past weekend she told me the following statement:

"I know you're the right choice for me because you'll always care for me and love me, but I'm afraid I won't be happy and I've wondered if there's something or someone I'm missing out on."

That being said, I started to ask myself this question:

"Are YOU the right choice for me?"

Lots to think about. We're not dating. She hasn't made her choice official. Until that conversation comes, I need to keep asking myself the question I started asking myself yesterday....is she really the right choice for me?

2011-07-17T01:53:00.003-05:00

You know what's awesome about tonite? Tonite gave me a freaking kick in the ass and it woke me up. It woke me up to the reality of the shitty situation that I've allowed myself to be in. It's like, something happened tonite that just made it very easy for me to take the feelings I have for her and just throw them away. It was like a time warp of something where I saw all the past in one instance and just how fucking insane it was. How incredibly stupid it was and hurtful for me and right now, I just feel so void of any feelings for her.

I can really see it for what it was...stupid, hurtful, controlling, pathetic, selfish, and shallow. She just used me and treated me anyway she wanted to with no concern for my feelings whatsoever. I look at that and think, "why the fuck would I ever want to date that?!" And boom, all that clarity is there. All that perspective I needed just showed up and showed me how the reality of it all went down. I don't want that. I would never want that.

You wanna know what triggered all this? Beautiful women in the city noticed me and approached me tonite. They sought me out and were interested. So, I enjoyed it and realized even in an instant, that they treated me better than she ever did. I loved it. This weight loss thing has been paying dividends....LOL!

So now, it's not a painful thing to live without her. It's a freeing thing. It's a thing where I finally got the old Brad back and I feel like my fucking self. I apologize for all the F-bombs dudes, but I'm freaking ecstatic! So to hell with all of it. No more thinking about the possibility that she might come back into my life and we'll be together and be happy. I'm throwing that away because if after 9 months she hasn't treated me like I mattered, it honestly is too late to start now.

Well, here's the old Brad...back in action and restored to full health...no more bullshit games and stupid lies and all that other crap.

2011-07-15T15:48:00.004-05:00

Today is a day of new beginnings. Nothing new is actually beginning but something old is ending. It hurts to let it go, but I have to. There's no healing without it. There's no real life without it.

I've never loved the way I did with her.

At least the suffering is gone. It's all now laid to rest.

My biggest fear is that my emotions will subside and my darkness will return. I already feel it coming back.

2011-07-14T12:30:00.003-05:00

Last night I had a conversation on the phone with the girl that I met a few weeks ago that's an author. She had asked me why I hadn't called her in quite some time. I explained to her it was because I have a lot of baggage and I'm still dealing with things with the girl and I'm not sure where I'm at or how I feel or if I want to be with her anymore and that I didn't want any of that to reflect onto her. I explained to her that I noticed that it's common for someone who's been mistreated to mistreat the next person they become involved with and I didn't want to do that to her.

This is part of the healing. I know I need to have a conversation with the girl and tell her that I can't do this anymore. I can't just be there while she has this other guy and that I need to let her go do her own thing and be her own person. I can't be part of her finding herself and becoming who she needs to be.

And there's a part of me that's been lied to and mistreated that says, you've been telling me all along that you're not ready to date anyone and that you have to be single, all the while you've been chasing this guy. I have felt like I've been kept around in case things didn't work out with her and this other guy. That's pathetic. How could I feel any other way? Why would she lie to me about him? Why would she say she cares about me then lie to me about him?

She's been back from WI since yesterday and hasn't called me yet. I wonder if this is her putting space between us. I think I'd like to have that conversation with her but not sure she even wants to talk to me anymore.

I have to lose her if I ever want to keep her....that's a paradox I hate. I feel so torn right now. I know that moving on will be good and beneficial, but it hurts because I love her so much.

I just wish this was all easier.

2011-07-12T15:19:00.003-05:00

I've been a David Gray fan since 2000. I love his music, but I always find that his albums are only good for 3-4 songs. The selection below is from his song Gutters Full of Rain....his lyrics are always excellent...enjoy.

Gutters In The Rain....

Were these twenty years a dream
Was it ever as it seemed
Get to wonder if it really existed
Cause the thief who stole my life
Has taken too my faith
I can see now how the world gets
Twisted

Let it go now
Let it all slip away
And we'll start it all over again
Me like a million others before
Trying to make sense of the rain

In spite of all the shame
Sometimes I hear your name
I think of us when we were younger
Then I'm shutting out the noise
And I'm trying to hear the voice
That used to tell me love was
Stronger

2011-07-11T11:31:00.003-05:00

This weekend was another weekend that just felt like it took forever to get through--that's a good thing! I loved it. Spent a lot of time with good friends, attended an Oly lifting meet in the city, met some new friends and cheered on some old ones, went to a family bbq and had a lot of fun....did some evangelizing for an all meat or mostly meat diet...my cousin is on board since his dad owns beef cattle and he has an unlimited supply of beef at his fingertips.

Had a fight with the girl and we both wanted to just stop being friends but then we realized it would be hard to live without one another...kind of a catch-22. She said to me, "I don't know how to be a good friend to you and not date you." Yeah, welcome to my world. It's true. We're so close and so familiar and so comfortable with one another that "just friends" is very hard. Even Chris said to me after she left last monday, "Just friends my ass!" He could tell by the way we looked at each other and spoke to one another that we were more than friends. I told her about that and she agreed and said this is hard.

Last night she was nervous that I was going out to dinner with one of our friends. She confronted me about it. It was cute. It was also kind of annoying. How can you go out with a guy, stay at his house, then question who I'm going to dinner with? It's so ridiculous that it's hilarious. Either start dealing with your feelings for me, or let's move on. I don't know any other way to go about this.

2011-07-06T10:05:00.003-05:00

Life is moving pretty well right now. Work is still a little hectic, but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. It will be way less hectic once I learn what I need to learn to feel comfortable with Access and Excel. I told my teammate yesterday that he would be floored with how primitive our reports at my last job were. Things here are very complex and thorough and incredibly well done. At my last job, things were static, boring, and simple. No complex formulas, no pivot tables, nothing. It was awful. There's definitely a learning curve for me here. But, I'm gonna eat this whale one bite at a time!

2011-06-30T22:37:00.003-05:00

I'm kind of in this weird place where I don't really give a shit.

Looking forward to some healing.

2011-06-29T14:55:00.002-05:00

Last night I got a call at 11:45pm from her. She was out and we were small talking. She then told me she feels very alone. The reality of not having really good friends is hitting her. She continually looks at my life and sees how I have good, deep relationships with my friends that have value, trust, and confidence. She keeps looking at her life realizing that she doesn't have that and I think she's even realizing how that in some degree, her actions have alienated me.

She told me she didn't know what to talk about. I told her that sometimes just talking is good because then she won't feel alone. We could talk about anything. So we small talked. She said she felt weird because we were small talking but I reminded her that 90% of our calls were small talk. We always call just to hear each other's voice and for comfort.

She told me she feels lost. She has no direction. I told her that the best part about feeling lost is it's the perfect time to set a course for something and that feeling lost is natural. She's having a hard time buying into that.

I asked her if she was still mad at me. She said yes. She then said she has no idea why she's mad at me. I told her I think it's because she's angry at life and that she's taking it out on me. I also told her if she needed to, she could put it on me because I could take it. She said she didn't want to do that to me. I told her it was kind of late for that :-)

I think God is setting the stage for something big in her life. I think He's going to do business for her very soon. I'm thankful for that. This is where I know I need to resign myself to only praying for her and being a friend. I can't fix her. I can't be the answer. I'm not the answer. I will keep loving her.

Prayer is what's keeping me going. It has given me new life.

2011-06-28T10:53:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I need to not talk as much as I normally do. I learned that sometimes, the way I process can interfere with the way others process and I need to keep that restricted to trusted outside sources. I've made that mistake and it's a big one that I've made before and I'm working on it. Yesterday shored that up for me so here I go. I'm also not letting what happened yesterday influence me in a negative way. I can't control the way she feels. I can't control if she's mad at me. I can tell that what's happening is, she's angry and hurt and scared and she's taking it out on me because she has no one else. Thankfully, I have enough heart and backbone to take it and know that's all it is.

Time and space are needed now more than ever. I can't fix her. I can't be the one she talks to about all of it. I have to go and live my life and pray she will find someone that will open up to her and love on her the same way that all my friends love on me. I am trying to let go more now than ever before. She has to find her own way. I really think God is calling her to himself. I hope that's where this ends and something new for her begins. I care about her and love her so much, but for me to be close to her in this state is damaging to both of us. I know that because of yesterday.

On a brighter note, there are a lot of positives this week that I'm focusing on and riding out the week with. I successfully completed my first unassisted pushups today! Never thought that would happen!!! It feels good, and months ahead of schedule on the goals list!!! Other than that, people love me and care about me, I have a strong support network and a God who loves me no matter what. Throw in a great job, and now you have an unbeatable lineup. Love it.

2011-06-26T22:21:00.002-05:00

This weekend was a good weekend for me. I spent a lot of time with quality people and friends that really made me feel special. I enjoyed good meals, good laughs, and great drinks.

It really is a special thing when you can consume your time awake with nothing but good friends and good memories. It had been a while since I was able to do that without worrying about something or checking my phone, etc. It was a very freeing feeling. Even Dave & Rosie said they thought I just looked happier. I was a different person. Good. That's what I was hoping for. I'm free of that oppression-type thing that I lived with for 9 months.

Today was probably the capstone of it all. Great church service, great brunch, good coffee and even better conversation. It was nice. I'm thankful for such good people in my life...I'm very lucky.

Also, my friend Ryan/my landlord told me he is going to look into joining CrossFit. I'm pumped!!!

2011-06-24T10:36:00.002-05:00

So in the wake of everything that's happened this week last night was a damn good night. Met up with a bunch of my Christian author friends and just hung out in Lakeview (also known as Boystown) last night. It was a great night of being with friends and catching up and we shared so many laughs. It felt HEALTHY. It felt good. I was able to be myself, I was appreciated, and I was treated very well. It was almost foreign to be cared for in such a way...not saying that my friends don't do that for me normally, but I think I'm a little gunshy with how I behave around people because of all that has happened.

Last night I spent a lot of time talking to one of the girls that was with us. She started a ministry that's focused on helping women overcome porn addiction. We had a great conversation and eventually exchanged phone numbers. She's really cool and I'm looking forward to getting to know her. I'm not ready to date anyone or be in a relationship...I clearly learned that last night in that conversation. Even though I tell myself I'm OK, I'm not. There's some damage from this Nicole business that needs to be healed first before I move on. I'm looking to God to do some healing and make my heart all better. He has shown me the man he's making me into and I'm excited to grow more and move in that direction.

I definitely need to pull back a little bit and focus on that healing. Last night, sitting at Intelligentsia and finally just slowing down and relaxing with a good book felt amazing. It just shows me that I need some more "me" time in my life...that's where I will be able to heal and just recollect myself and the things that need to be replenished. Looking forward to it.

2011-06-23T12:42:00.003-05:00

Lyric of the day from "You Wanted" It by Emery:

Whispers and echoes of love fading
The plans you made, you wanted it
The bitter taste, you wanted it
What god became, you wanted it
But the one thing you need you'll never get.

2011-06-22T13:37:00.002-05:00

Fact:
You are loved and cared for and not alone. That was evident by last night's text messages and phone calls.

One person will not ruin who God has made me to be. If anything, she has only shown light to her own character defects. Even that, hurts me a little bit because I'd rather it not go that way. I'd rather not see people treat her differently. However, when you're character is that flimsy and it gets exposed, people start re-evaluating where they stand; and that seems natural. I mean, if she's that shady to someone she "cares" for, then how is she to acquintances and friends? I'm sad for her.

I'm happy for me to be out of a toxic situation. I feel like after tonite I'll be able to move forward and get on with life, I just need one more night of sad songs and processing to be done with it. There are things I need to part with things that are reminders of her.

This has never been more true....

"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

2011-06-21T11:05:00.009-05:00

There's a mewithoutYou lyric that is very appropriate to my situation...or at least the dissolving of it...this is how I felt going into yesterday and doing what I had to do..

"So why this safe distance, this curious look?
Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book."

I needed to throw that book away.

2011-06-20T22:36:00.002-05:00

Today is a monumental day for me and my happiness. No, the girl I've blogged about didn't pledge her undying love to me. Quite the opposite. I told her I don't want to talk to her anymore and that I need to move on and we can't be friends even if we both still want to be friends, we can't because everything is so fucked up. I told her I think we can be friends, but I think that not being friends is the best thing for me.

This all came about when I reached my limit. How did I reach my limit you ask? She called me this morning asking me if she emailed me the itinerary for her vacation with this other guy, would I print it for her. She then noticed as we were talking that my demeanor changed. I then said to her, "umm, is none of this even slightly awkward to you???" She said it was and she felt bad asking me but she had no other way to do it. I don't think I've ever been disrespected more by someone than the way she dis'd me today. So for me, that was IT!

I'm tired of speaking into and building into someone's life only for them to give that away to someone else. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.

When I met up with her to give her the itinerary she joked around about us not talking anymore and she made it some stupid joke as if she didn't think it would happen. I wonder what's going to happen when she has no one to talk to or build into her life.

I can't just keep giving myself to someone who abuses me and treats me like shit. I have had enough and although I love her and a part of my heart wants to call her right now, the rest of my heart just reminds me how painful it is to love her and how damaging it is to be close to her. I can't keep putting myself into this cycle. I just can't. It's not healthy. It's destructive.

I told her today that I was upset because all this time I've been giving to her and she's been taking and it's been making this whole new person and making her life better and then she's taking that new life and giving it to someone else. I told her I can't date someone because she's taken all I had and now I'm just left here an empty mess that's all alone. There's nothing left of me. I'm no longer ready to date anyone, I need to work on me and rebuild this once awesome tower of manliness. I'm a fucking shell of a man because of this.

2011-06-14T14:53:00.003-05:00

Just had to re-read my June 8th post and it gave me overwhelming peace and comfort. That felt good. I know I've been somewhat bi-polar lately with everything. Sometimes I'm over this whole mess and other times I'm right back into it. Today I feel more out of it. I feel like it's best to be out of it. But I know that all that can change in a moment if she calls or talks to me. It's like she has this tractor beam that pulls me in no matter how hurt I get. I don't freaking get it.

I'm trying to figure this all out. I'm trying to let go. I think it's time for her to lose me. I don't quite know how to make that happen.

2011-06-14T11:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna bull-shit ya...loving someone is the hardest thing I've ever done.

2011-06-08T22:29:00.002-05:00

A lot has happened since I last updated. In fact, a ton. I wish I had more time to update on all of it, but I don't. Things seem to keep going back and forth in one world, while things seem to be moving onward and forward in another. It's interesting to say the least. I'm content with where everything is right now. In fact, I've not been happier. There are some things I'm not cool with, but those are things that are out of my control, so I'm just going to be cool with them being out of my control and knowing that God is constantly doing what He needs to do make my life what He wants it to be. I'm trying to really let go and let God do what He does best, and yes, I am capitalizing the H in He because I'm a very 80's Christian. :-)

I love my new job. It's epic. Today I completed my first solo project and defended it so well, that management advised me that I need to be more involved in deep analysis for the company and that my ideas and insight were excellent. I'll take that as a little pat on the back!

God has me right where he wants me...I'm not complainin'

2011-05-15T00:33:00.003-05:00

Been learning that loving people can really take it out of you. It's important to have that relationship with God that restores what you lose when you give. It makes it easier to not be completely worn down by people when God is filling your cup. I do have to say, I sometimes get close to running on empty, but that's because I slack on connecting with God. I find that it's also crucial for me to be around people that love me which is another way to "fill up the tank".

2011-05-11T22:50:00.000-05:00

This week is winding down and it's bittersweet. I'm excited to start my new job and be a normal-functioning member of society again, but I'm also sad that we finally have good weather and I'm going to be stuck in some big office building. :-( But, I would rather be working than doing nothing. Boredom is kicking my butt and not in a good way! I find myself just wasting so much time. You would think with all this free time I'd be so productive and just get everything done because I have 24 hours a day to myself...nope. In fact, the opposite is true...because you have 24 hours to yourself, you never do anything immediately! And why should you? You have 24 hours to get it done. And if not, you always have a fresh 24 the next day...it only feeds into procrastination.

I'm listening to some old CaffeinatedFaith.com podcasts tonite...man, I'm laughing my butt off!! (NUT-BUTTER).

2011-05-08T21:04:00.004-05:00

I had a few ideas of how I wanted to post tonite but all that keeps coming up are song lyrics. I have been listening to some new songs lately by John Mayer, Adele, Sam Hart, and Sara Bareilles. I think my favorite lyrics from this batch are from John Mayer...I just can't believe I like this guy!?!!! I have never been a fan of Mayer but some of his songs just hit me square in the heart...this song seems to be the sum of the past 6 months....

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

Just when I had you off my head
Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed
You say you wanna try again
But I've tried everything but giving in

Why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

I bought a ticket on a plane
And by the time it landed you had gone again

I love you more than songs can say
But i can't keep running after yesterday

Why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

We say goodbye
We say goodbye
We say goodbye

All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

All we ever do is say goodbye

2011-05-03T23:07:00.003-05:00

Read this quote today on someone's facebook profile of all places. Made me think of that girl. Wish I could just email this to her and say, hey, don't let this happen!

"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

2011-05-01T23:54:00.002-05:00

Today I was reminded of one simple truth:

"I am Loved."

It was very easy to see today that I am surrounded by wonderful people who love me dearly. Most of which I felt love me like family. Some of which I KNOW love me like family. It was incredibly heart-warming and it made it very easy for me to take my mind of the shitty situation that I was presented with this weekend. It made a lot of hard decisions that I'm facing easier to make.

Whether I was on the football field, at the brunch table, in the backyard, the movie theatre, or my friend's house, it was OBVIOUS: I AM LOVED. I can sleep soundly tonite knowing that if I wake up tomorrow morning, all those wonderful people will be there for me. They will love me and care about me in ways some people just don't have the capacity to understand or even attempt.

It's a good thing this feeling...this knowing that you're loved. I like it.

2011-04-30T13:00:00.004-05:00

Maybe I need to start this post with a quote. Andy Zipf said it best:

"How do you wound so easily? How could I love so carelessly?"

I've always had a love/hate relationship with certainty. I love it. It's almost like a guarantee. On the other hand, I hate it because it has the power to confirm your fears or something you've been trying to avoid. I've been doing my best to avoid the certainty that all the things I've been suspecting or thinking are true. I've been dodging them I'd dodge a wrench. I just want to keep believing the best. I want to buy into the benefit of the doubt. Being someone who always leans more towards peacemaking, I can easily overlook (granted, this is a somewhat new trait) things...but when certainty hits you, it can be a real bitch.

Today, I was smacked in the face by certainty as most of my worries and fears were confirmed. It was interesting, painful, and yet freeing to hear. I needed to hear it. I just wish that it didn't come from a 3rd party. I wish it would've come from the source. Why couldn't she have just been honest with me about anything? It makes everything in the past look like a big ole lie. I don't know how else to frame it. How can I look back and believe that any of this was real? I'm having a hard time doing that. Especially knowing at the extent in which I have been lied to. And it wasn't just one lie. It was a series of lies that were drawn out over time...that's not something that makes relationships work. That's not healthy. That's not how you care for someone. That's not how you make the other person feel safe or comfortable. That should never be part of a relationship...unless you're just using someone and stringing them along. That's exactly what happened. Now I can finally burn that last picture that I kept because it means nothing. That was just a fake night built on lies.

I at least now know with certainty that whatever I had feared was now true, and the truth has set me free. It has also hurt the hell out of my heart...this is probably the deepest pain I've ever felt cause now I'm having all these flashbacks and it's as if they're being re-cataloged in my memory as lies, deceit, and bull-shit. That's very hard to deal with. It's very painful. I'm thankful that God has given me a very large threshold to deal with this shit. I need a nap.

2011-04-28T23:49:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to hang in there and do the right thing with this whole girl situation. I've been doing what I can to just be faithful and steadfast to provide for her someone stable in her life that she can always go to and which would show my love for her. The last 2 days have been quite an oddity. Wednesday night we went shopping and to get our phones replaced and we had nothing but fun. It was great. It was like old times. We laughed so hard. Then, tonite, we had dinner and it was very different. It was like she didn't even want to be there. There was something cynical about her tone. She treated things about me very flippantly. She mentioned that I loved her and she kind of treated it so superficially that it actually hurt me to the core. In fact, after we left the restaurant, I was very hurt that she would choose to be so flippant with such a powerful emotion. Such a powerful thing that I've only felt for her. It was careless and irresponsible.

I've been told that I will find this "limit" to how much of that I can take and for a while I felt like I had hit that limit. But once the swelling of that pain subsided, I kept hearing in my heart, "Stay steadfast. Hang in there." It's like a rewrite of Hosea to me. I feel so emotionally exhausted and beat up after tonite that I don't know how much is left in the tank any more. While sitting at Transit I decided I would try to stay the course. Try to stay committed to seeing if there's a chance or hope for us. I do think that maybe, I need a short break though. I think she's just getting used to me being there all the time for her and now she's just taking me for granted. I'm just trying to stay focused on CrossFit and leaning out even more. Time to set some goals and get after 'em.

Otherwise, life is OK. Ready for a change. Looking forward to this weekend a lot.

2011-04-27T16:56:00.002-05:00

Everything with the job interview went very well. In fact, so well, that I'm pretty sure I got the job. I'm curious when they'll call. I mean, the last person I interviewed told me, "I'm looking forward to having you on our team." I assume that means something more on the positive side. Let's hope.

Everything else in life is going well. I've been working out hard and sticking to my Paleo lifestyle. In fact, all I've been eating is meat and eggs, trying to keep carbs way low. This morning, I had some potatoes at brunch, but not a lot...probably about 3 fork fulls. LOL! Keeping that ketogenic state going to burn the fat. One thing that's been noticeable about eating mainly meat is that I'm full way longer than when I would eat other things. I have felt completely satisfied all day. In fact, all week I've only been having 2 meals due to this new satiety. :)

Alright, back to cleaning.

2011-04-25T21:27:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I have my second interview with a company that I am dying to work for. I have a feeling the position I'm interviewing for will be something that I will really enjoy and I'm also pretty sure the compensation will be a lot better than my previous job. I'm nervous about the interview as I'll be speaking with the VP of Finance tomorrow morning. I need to be sharp and impress him. I think I'll do fine. I need to get my laundry done and the shirt and slacks ready for tomorrow. I also need to clean my oven so that I can use it without creating a lot of smoke and terrible smells. LOL!

Life on the girl front is going pretty well. I got a call from her today and she wanted to meet for dinner but it didn't work out for us tonite. Will definitely try to do dinner another night this week if she's game. We had breakfast on Easter Sunday together and it was fun. We laughed a lot and enjoyed our time together. Maybe things are moving in the right direction. I'm assuming not having dinner tonite was probably a good move so that she will have to wait to see me again. I'm not much for games, so we'll see. I'm content with where it's all at. It's fine right where it is right now.

Creatively, I've been dying to draw and write. It's been good. I love when those urges come. I just need to sit down and let it all flow. Been a long time...

I need to get on with the house chores and then get to bed, I'm extremely exhausted from today's workout and the lack of a nap has made me very, very sleepy.

2011-04-25T00:32:00.002-05:00

Random quotes...it's all about some random quotes...so, there are 2 that my friend Sameer passed onto me that I've really enjoyed the past week or so...thought I'd blog them here so they are forever etched into my puking...

"Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose"

"Destroyer, there will be another just like you. You're not the only one, I'm not the only one. Love kills."

2011-04-17T21:40:00.002-05:00

So, another week has come and gone in my life. This past week has been a good week. I've enjoyed it very much. I had a great job interview, I had a few calls about other jobs, I spent some quality time with friends (which was much needed), I learned more and more about myself (which has turned into a firehose of things), and I've been embracing a subtle indifference about things that has made life a little easier to deal with.

One of the things I've learned about myself over the past few weeks, especially this past week was that my character is something God is shaping and molding to be like his. I am finding that there is fruit blooming/sprouting in places in my life where it never existed. The fruit of patience, forgiveness, love, mercy, and compassion. I'm sure Shane can attest to the fact that just a few short years ago, neither of those things were even a possibility for my life. I was tough and rigid. Tough love was about the only thing I was capable of.

But now, here's God dressing me with things like patience and mercy. God has shown me how to love in a capacity that I never thought was possible. I have given myself in ways that I never imagined I would. I have forgiven and forgotten things I never thought I was capable of doing. I think it's even made me a better friend to everyone around me. It's been really spectacular to me to see how God has been moving, shaping and molding my heart over the course of the past 6 months.

I also learned that no matter what happens, I will not let other people's actions and choices modify my character. I won't let someone who lies or is shady effect how I am. I will try to always be kind and be even-kieled about my life. I will try to love and forgive the same way I would to someone who was shooting straight with me. No matter what, I will be the same person God is making me into. I have been striving for consistency.

The ending of this weekend seems to be the ending of a lot of the stuff that has troubled me the past few months. Yesterday while I was driving to meet a friend for coffee, I just had a smile on my face knowing that no matter what happens I was going to be OK and that no matter what, God would not forget me. Even if this girl never comes around and wants to date me, that's OK. I'm a good guy, I have loved her like no one ever has and she has seen it, she has experienced it, and she has rejected it. There's nothing I can do about that, I haven't done anything wrong. All I can do is shake my head and pray for her and hope she finds what she's looking for. I wonder if this is the first step to getting over this whole thing. It kind of feels like it. I don't think I'm losing my feelings for her, I just think my heart is finally OK with whatever happens. Life is good either way.

2011-04-03T19:26:00.002-05:00

I've been stepping back from the situation at hand. I keep stepping back and looking at things and it's really true what they say: "Hindsight is 20/20". No doubt about it. I have been able to look back at everything and see that this is truly a terrible situation. I saw that I was treated like garbage and it was just awful. I was never treated like a priority but an option. I was used as a filling station of sorts to give self-esteem and comfort too, all the while she would just go back to the hurricane of destruction in her life that would rob her of all those things...then, by giving just enough to keep me around, she'd offer some concessions, tell me some sweet things, then just walk away and go back to this balancing act where she balances all the men in her life.

I've decided to keep myself out of the "options" category and live my life as I always have. I will continue to love and support my friends and cherish them. God has created me to have a big ole love tank and he continues to ask me to give from it to the ones around me that will receive it. So, that's what I'll do. My friends will get the best of me while she goes out and chooses to live life apart from me. What can I do? I never loved her to be loved back, but at the same time, I can't just keep throwing my love into the air.

How God loves us unconditionally with little to no love in return is what makes him God...it completely wears me out. Let's all be thankful that I'm not the one in charge for loving every soul that's ever been...I would have quit that job in the first 5 minutes. ;-)

2011-03-30T21:06:00.003-05:00

Out of nowhere today she's been contacting me and I've seen her twice today. This is an all too familiar pattern. She's into me, she's not into me, she just wants to be friends and create space, after a few days of space, she's coming back to me and acting like nothing ever happened...really? Honestly? This is how it's all going again? I know that she's still talking to him. He texted her several times today while we were having coffee. Chris told me that there has to be a reason that he thinks it's still OK to text or call her...there is. She wants him too.

There's a large chorus of advice in my immediate circle of friends that's ringing which tells me to just walk away. These cycles and swings are getting old. It's as if she just tries to do enough to keep me around.

Been listening to this song a lot lately. It's called One Become Two, by Chris Staples. Chris is the former lead singer of twothirtyeight and now a solo folk artist who played my living room one night...enjoy

One Become Two

In a slow dirty tear
one became two
i can't tell if it was me now
i can't tell if it was you

so look me in the eye
and tell me when
you see the stranger
i have always been
and now you know
what it meant
now you see
what you thought you saw

just like fish
just like frogs
just like weasels,
horses and dogs.
something from deep down
is going to make you feel
is going to make you wonder
if it's fake or real

now we're alone
like we've always been
cherries barely attached at the stem

2011-03-28T22:48:00.002-05:00

So there really is no clear direction with this situation. After hearing on the phone that we need space and not getting a call back last night, I get a call this morning asking me to make an appointment for her and asked to go with. I'm then told via another phone call that I maybe I shouldn't go since she can't hang out with me because she doesn't want to give me some kind of false hope or something like that...I end up going anyhow and we go to 2 other stores and out to lunch.

I keep hearing the phrase, "I don't want to give you false hope" over and over in my head. It isn't false hope. It isn't false at all. It's real hope that she gives me when we have those good days when he's not interfering in her life. Those good days are what our relationship would look like, not the weird days we have in between when she's half in and half out. Not the weird days when he destroys her self-esteem and makes her feel like she can't accomplish anything. It's on the days that he's so far removed from her mind and she gives herself completely to the relationship...that's what it would look like for us. That's what it would look like for us to be committed to each other. She's not seeing that. She just keeps seeing how tough the past few weeks of "just friends" has been and how that's affected us...I just wish she could see that we're actually good together when he's not part of her life. When she's finally committed and involved in our relationship it's good...it's incredible. But, I think she just keeps trying to forget me.

2011-03-28T08:22:00.002-05:00

Well, just when I thought that I was done writing my last post about this crazy girl story more and more things keep happening. No matter how I felt after I left that starbucks that night, no matter what was said, it was revealed to me this weekend just how strong my feelings are for her. She called me yesterday and we had another "talk". I'm not exactly sure what it was really about. She told me that she had talked to a friend and indirectly that friend mentioned we should maybe put some space between us because we're clearly more than friends.

She also told me that she is now happy being single, that she has a good core of friends around her from the gym and she now feels like she has good self-esteem now. I couldn't be happier for her to have all those things, in fact, those are the things I've been encouraging her to look for and enjoy, well, maybe not the singleness part, but everything else. I'm glad she has her self-esteem back. I'm glad she has a good group of friends (not to mention, they're my friends too, which is cool...kind of).

The thing I don't understand and how I feel about everything is it's as if she has constructed this new life and didn't leave room in it for me. It's like I coached her through all this stuff and loved her through most of it and now there's no room for me in her life.

In the middle of our call yesterday, she had to let me go so she could return some clothes at a store and told me she'd call me back...she never did. I tried her before bed and no answer.

I have got to just let this all go. I have got to just let it be, it's hurting me too badly to just keep it around me.

2011-03-25T22:43:00.004-05:00

The ending of this week has been very good for me. I've come to a very happy place with everything regarding this girl mess I've been in. In fact, I really feel like there's actually closure with all of it. We're friends, that's what we are and that's what we'll be. I have had a very happy day all day today and it was very enjoyable to feel so free.

In fact, even when I saw her tonite, she said something that would normally break my heart but since I've been able to successfully put myself in a place where she can't hurt me it didn't really phase me. She asked if I had spoken about us to one of our friends today and I told her that I hadn't and "there's really nothing to talk about". She then interjected, "Yep, that's right, there's nothing to talk about because it's nothing. That's what it is, nothing." I looked at her with a smile on my face and said, "Absolutely, it's definitely nothing."

I don't think she cared for that response all too much, nor do I really care to be honest with you. She can go do what she wants, live how she wants and it won't matter to me at all. I can't live my life in some shelter waiting for her to make some decision about me. I'm going to make a decision for me and allow myself to move on and have fun and enjoy my life and my friends.

I was telling one of my friends tonite about this and we were laughing. I told her that I was going to act as if the whole thing was really nothing. I'm sure, as has happened in the past, she'll hate that and then try to have more or try to pull me back into some grey area that we always seem to end up in. I'm just not going to do that any more.

I drove away from her tonite feeling finally free. I laughed about it quite a bit. All in all, I can look back on these past 4 months and see how I've grown and even changed. I have seen my patience increase, my will strengthened, and what I want in a woman refined even more. I had fun, there were good times and bad, but I learned the most important thing is to be able to say you're sorry and forgive. A 4-month learning experience has come to an end and it feels good. Looking forward to a weekend of friends and fun and nothing else. I won't be seeing her all weekend, except at the gym for a few hours tomorrow, and not even sure she'll call me that much...which is totally fine :-) Anywho, hopefully this is the last blog post about this...let's finish the chapter, close the book, and burn it into history, where it belongs.

"First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity." -- George Bernard Shaw

2011-03-21T14:18:00.002-05:00

I read a good quote the other night while perusing brainyquote.com. It's a quote from one of my favorite sources, G.K. Chesterton. It's a quote that I found very relevant considering my circumstances.

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost"

This isn't something that I need to know, it's something she needs to understand.

2011-03-17T21:23:00.002-05:00

It has been a few weeks of freedom for me and it's bittersweet. We've resumed course as "just friends" and it's been good. It's been hard, but it's been good. I miss her and I miss our time together but as I've stepped back and looked at everything, it really wasn't healthy for either of us. It just wasn't at all. There were good times in there and they were fantastic, but even though we didn't fight, there were destructive things happening. Mainly, I was holding up the majority of the relationship. I was the one more intent on being something to someone and she never really was. I suppose she told me that. I suppose she would remind me that she couldn't commit to me, but I'm a hopeless romantic so I thought I could woo her and win her with my charm.

Well, needless to say, it just kept falling apart. I'm even at a place now where I think it might just be better off dead. The whole thing. Just left in the rubble of our memories. I'm not sure there's anything there for me. Being just friends is hard because I care about her. What's harder is having to look in retrospect at how I was treated by her. I was never a priority, I was nothing more than just an option. I was just a good guy who treated her well and gave her everything she ever wanted or needed and she wanted to make sure she gave me just enough to keep me around because I was too good to let go of, but maybe not good enough to hold onto. I certainly hope that wasn't her heart or her intentions all along, but it's hard not to feel that way.

As for me, I'm moving on as it's the only way to stay sane. I saw her tonite and everything was fine. I could tell though that it's hard for both of us. I know it is. I know this is never easy, but it is what's best. We can't have a "kind-of" relationship any longer. We just can't. It has to be a full-on committed relationship or just a friendship. If we're not both committed and working in the relationship, it's not going to work, which brings us back to friendship. I often wonder if we'll be together somewhere down the road. I don't really know. As for now, it's back to life as usual...just like it was before November 20th, 2010.

2011-03-02T22:56:00.002-06:00

I'm writing this update a free man. A man free of the drama of what was the last few posts. A man free of the constant struggle to maintain any semblance of the past. A man free of the constant worry and wonder regarding each minute of his silent life. A man free of self-suppression. I could probably go on but I know better. I know how long winded/typed I can get when it comes to self-expression.

Whatever the situation that I was in was, it's now over and life is resuming and it feels good. Business as usual. It all keeps moving forward for me and honestly, I've had a lot of fun today being with and speaking to good friends. I realized today that I am surrounded by great people who love me and care about me and that no matter what I'm going through, I won't be alone and that just makes it all a lot easier.

Driving around today I felt like there was a hole in my heart...but although there is a hole there, I could tell that it was quickly healing and that was so comforting to me. There will be pain and discomfort until it's healed, but at least it will no longer be toyed with. At least it will find consistency and stability. Things it has not known these past 3-4 months.

I felt very alive today. Hole in my heart or not, I felt alive.

2011-02-14T20:25:00.003-06:00

Here we are, Monday and the week has begun. For me, life seems to be returning back to normal and it makes me very happy. I have been looking for something normal for the past 3 months and now I finally have a little of that and it feels good. I got my balls back last night and I'm feeling better than ever. Started a new job today which I have high expectations for because it seems to be something that suits my personality more than anything I've ever done. There seems to be a lot of growth potential and a lot of opportunity for me to make decent money. Some of the perks are that it's close to home, it's in my hometown so I know where everything is, and it's down the street from Bulldogs Grill! LOL!

2011-02-13T11:20:00.003-06:00

One of my friend's said this to me this morning and I found that it hit me pretty hard...

"Let her go and give your attention to someone who will give it back to you in return"

Every time I see her, the closer I come to this.

2011-02-12T10:45:00.003-06:00

Today is Saturday. Saturdays are a ton of fun because at The Fort, it's Team Saturday! We break up into teams and compete against each other for the coveted prize of having your team pic taken with the WWF Championship Belt. My team put forth a strong effort and sadly, we took 3rd place. One day, I'll be in a winning photo. Felt pretty good though, as some of the movements were strengths for me, mainly Wall-Balls and Sit-ups. I can crank through both movements pretty easily and only needed to do 10 each round so it was quick. In fact, I beat Tommy Mo on the first round for both movements. LOL!

Now, I have some pork chops in the oven and I'm getting ready to go shower. Looking forward to some rest today and running some errands.

2011-02-11T10:46:00.003-06:00

On the way home from the gym today, I was thinking a lot about the current situation that I'm in with this girl. It was good to see her last night. It was fun interacting with her and talking with our friends. It was fun walking her out and saying good bye. She called me this morning like normal and we talked. It's been very odd to say the least. I can look at her, I'm still attracted to her, I still have feelings for her, I still want to be with her, but while driving home this morning I just realized that I need to walk away now and leave what was good in the past in the past before it all gets broken. I'm going to set aside my feelings for her and just live my life. I can't keep coming back to how amazing the past 3 months have been now that all of that has been de-railed.

So, I don't know if I'm going to answer the phone the next time she calls.

2011-02-09T21:28:00.002-06:00

I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful that I was able to wake up, talk to her, then head over to Chris' house to hang with he and Shane. While there I was showered with love by Hayden and it was just good to sit and talk with the boys. It was a good day. There has been a lot on my mind lately. Mostly, the obvious situation I'm dealing with. I don't really understand it nor can I pretend to. I just need to focus on staying consistent.

Tonite was a good night as well. I came home, made a steak and then worked on my chili. The chili is phenomenal. The steak was also phenomenal. I'm trying to keep my mind off things but it's hard. I have thought so much about all of this and have come to the conclusion that if this is what I have to go through to find real love, then it's all worth it. I know that this road might be paved with pain and hurt and sadness, but I'd rather live a life that is at least "attempting" love than one that is too afraid to endure it. Like Chris said, "Love is worth it."

2011-02-06T02:49:00.002-06:00

So, here's where I catch you up on everything that's happened in my life in the past 3 or so weeks. I'm sure most of you who read this have already heard this from me in person, but I thought I'd blog about it and just get it down on paper. Sometimes, things just look better on paper or in written form. I feel like there's more therapy in writing then in talking. As good as talking is, at the end of the day, you still have everything in your head. In writing, you still can end up the same way as talking, but it seems so much more intentional as you craft and sculpt what you're writing. It will always represent me better than dialogue.

4 days after my last post, she told me that she never went on a date with that guy. She told me that she just didn't want to and that she couldn't. She told me this while we were sitting at Starbucks in LZ. She told me this shortly after she told me she got butterflies again after kissing me. That monday, MLK Jr. Day, was the beginning of a wonderful 3 week run that was both of us just diving in head first into this thing and it was amazing. We spent time together. We snuggled, we napped, we madeout, we made food, ate food, and laughed. We enjoyed the time and she never pulled back. I was hoping this was a great sign of things to come and that she would be moving past her ex and all the stuff that was there. Well, it seemed like that and I was thankful.

Well, things were going well and it looked like maybe timing was working in my favor. I was wrong. There's a friend in common that we have that kind of stepped in the middle of everything and in my opinion, was a little out of line. It caused the only and biggest fight we've ever had. Thankfully, the following day we fixed it and we both forgave each other and we agreed to move on with everything. Well, in the time that we were fighting, she thought it would be a good idea to meet with her ex because she was unsure of us and she just moved and she was lonely so she decided to meet up with him.

Well, that day, last Monday, she left the gym early, woke me up by phone and came over and hung out. We ate breakfast, then worked out together, then had lunch with a couple that we know and love. It was a good day. After lunch we came back to my house, went upstairs and napped. Before she fell asleep, she told me why she was meeting up with the ex. We actually shared some good moments upstairs. After an hour long nap, she had to leave to go work a b-ball game.

She must've had a quick talk with her ex because after the game, she came back over and she came in and kissed me and it was wonderful. She ate some dinner, used the bathroom, then went home. It was good to have spent the day with her. She told me today that she intentionally called off work just to spend time with me. It was nice to hear.

The next day, which was a Tuesday, she called me on her way home from work and had me meet her at the grocery store. We shopped and it was a lot of fun. When we were getting ready to leave, it was really sweet because she gave me an incredible kiss and told me "Bye baby!" and before she got in her car, she stopped and said, "Hey! I'm glad I got to see you today!" I was glad too. It made my Tuesday. Especially a Tuesday I could've died in a blizzard.

Wednesday, I drove to her house after the worst blizzard in history and shoveled her driveway. We worked our asses off to move that snow and then it was time to go home and sleep. It was an OK day.

Thursday I had talked to her a few times and she was pretty distant from me. I had imagined something happened that night that put her in that mood. She had told me wednesday that she was going to sleep early and just stay home, but then late that night/early thursday morning she posted to her facebook that she had a great night with a smiley face. I asked her what she did that night and she told me she unpacked and did a lot of stuff. I can't imagine that was what warranted a status update like that, but I'm trying not to really care because that's her business and I can respect that.

Thursday afternoon she called me and I could tell she had been crying. I asked her about it, she played it off, then finally told me and started to cry again. She started sobbing and crying very loudly. I hate hearing her cry. It was very hard for me not to be able to be with her and just go through that with her. She told me that we couldn't date like we had been doing and that she's not ready to date anyone and that we need to just be friends and that she still wanted to hang out with me and spend time with me. I agreed. It's hard to be "just friends" when you are kissing, holding hands, being close and cuddly, etc. I called her later and talked to her a little but knew things would change.

Friday, she stopped by my house to give me this paper towel holder thing she had. It was really awkward. I could tell by looking in her eyes that she still had feelings for me and that it was just as hard for her to be "just friends". Later that night I saw her in the gym. I had kind of resolved not to talk or text with her much because we both needed some space. I mean, how the hell can we take all these feelings, emotions, and attractions and just stuff them away in 24 hours and be "normal"? We couldn't. She started texting then calling me later that night. I kept things somewhat brief.

Saturday, she started texting me in the morning that she wasn't going to Team Saturday because of her soreness. I told her the same thing. We texted about breakfast and other things, then she called me. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I needed to buy new curtains for my bedroom and that I would call her if I had questions. She suggested that she go with me so that she could just help me. I agreed to pick her up and go on this mission. As she got into my truck it felt awkward and weird to me. Then I realized that I was the one making it that way. I was the one making it weird and strange, so I stopped and just accepted it and she even asked me if it was weird or if I wasn't sure if I wanted her to come with me. I told her it was fine and we continued on. As we got to Bed, Bath & Beyond, we saw a few other places we wanted to go so we made plans to do that.

We shopped a lot, found the curtains, then went on to some other places and just had TONS OF FUN. It was great. We laughed and goofed off and just had a ton of fun. We then went and had lunch at Gino's and talked about life and then I decided we should talk about us. I told her that I still had all the same feelings for her and that I still cared about her deeply. I asked her if she still had feelings for me and she asked me why I would ask that. I told her I asked that because I felt like she had turned her feelings off. She told me that nothing had fizzled out and that she still had feelings for me and she still cares about me and she told me that she's never taken a day off of work for anyone, but she did for me on Monday. I told her I had no idea she took that day off for me. She then said, do you really think I was that sick that I needed to stay out of work????? She said she could've easily gone in to work but she wanted to hang with me instead. It was a very sweet thing.

But, this all comes down to timing. Right now is not the time. We both know that. We both want to kiss each other and hold each other's hands, but we know we can't. We know that it isn't the best thing for either of us to do, so we don't, but it's taken a ton of our self-control to happen. It's been very hard. After that we had more fun at Petco and Target. It was awesome. I then took her home.

She called me after I had left to tell me that she had an amazing day with me. I agreed and told her that I hope we could have more like it. She agreed. So, hopefully this is the start of a good friendship that might lead into something else. We're spending Super Bowl Sunday together with friends and other couples. Will definitely be a challenge as we're usually in our element with these other couples. I'm going to be strong.

Now, I'm finally getting tired so I should go to bed. Will be nice to rest. My mind has been all over the place.

2011-01-13T09:57:00.003-06:00

There's always been something about my life that has never been good at timing. Specifically in relationships. Ann is a great example of this. I met her too early in her life. She was young, impressionable, didn't know what she wanted in life and needed to go out and experience the world. So, she did, and 4 years later, she came to me single and completely unattached. The only sucky thing is, we were 2 totally different people by then. We were both interested in seeing what we could make of it all but we knew deep down inside, we both wanted different things.

Fast forward now to the present and you have me falling head over heels with a girl that I've only known for 2 months and of course, I met her at the wrong time in her life. She's recovering from a tragic past relationship and can't settle down into one dating relationship, instead wants to be single and date around for a while to find out what she needs in a relationship. She told me she wants to make sure she stays married when she finds someone this time. I want that too. I want to stay married, but of course, instead of meeting her when she's coming out of this singleness phase and falling for her and her falling for me, I meet her when she's just starting this whole damn thing out and I can't be with her.

I really wish timing was a person. Cause I would kick timing in the crotch so many times for ruining my life and what could've been or could be some damn good relationships. The more I think about it, the more I just realize that maybe I'll be alone forever. Maybe timing will never cooperate with me. Maybe it will always treat me like a bastard and just skip me.

And just when we both came to a good place in our relationship, where I was at peace and everything was good, here we are now and it all feels awkward for me again. I suppose I should tell you why it's awkward for me...she told me today that someone asked her out on a date and she said yes, so she's going out with someone else. We talked a lot about it. Not much of which made sense to me. She told me that the fun we have and the way I treat her leaves her instincts saying, "You should date this guy!!!!" but she's a chronic dater who likes to date in long term relationships and she needs to know this is going to last....I told her, well, until we start dating, how the hell can we ever know if it's going to last? Isn't that the risk you have to take with every relationship? Giving it a shot to see if you have what it takes to last?? I think her recovering from a long term relationship is hindering her ability to try one with me. That sucks. Plain and simple.

I'm looking forward to Transit tonite. I'm looking forward to being with a community of people that love me and accept me. I need it.

2011-01-09T12:42:00.003-06:00

I love when the sun is shining. Even in the winter, it's beautiful to look at and feel. I'm sitting on a couch surrounded by windows in a home that faces solar-south and the heat is incredible. The furnace in my home is set to 62 yet it's 71 in here! It's refreshing. But aside from energy savings, the sun reminds me of life. It reminds me of hope and a new day. I've needed that.

The past 6-8 weeks have been a wild ride. It has been amazing and it has been heartbreaking. It has been the full spectrum of emotions for me. I've felt things I've never felt before. I've experienced things I've never experienced before and for once in my life, I was falling in love. I've realized today, after talking to a good friend, that this all might take a bit longer than I expect it to. She advised me that the girl might even need a year or 2 of being on her own before she's ready to settle down and even consider being with me. I have a better grip of that now and realize that I can't ask her to just give up this time that she needs to be with me nor can I put my life on hold during this time. All I can do is be her friend and be there for her so she doesn't have to go through this alone...I'll always cheer her on, she deserves that.

I will always be there for her because we're friends. But right now, this in-between friends & dating that we are right now is not helping our situation. That will be very hard for me to say. I want so badly for this to work right now, but I know that right now is not the right time. I'm OK with that now. It still hurts a little. It still feels weird. But it's best for both of us.

2011-01-01T01:11:00.004-06:00

Olympic weight lifting has taught me something very simple: I live in my head too much. I am an overthinker. I usually fail at my lifts when I think too much about them. When I walk up to the bar, set my hands and move, I get the weight up and the lift is successful. When I walk up thinking, set my hands thinking, and move the bar thinking, I fail, drop the bar, and the lift is a scratch.

I find that carries over in other areas of my life.

2010-11-16T16:42:00.000-06:00

Look, I don't want to rant, but I need to get this out of my system. Am I the only person in the world that is sick of hearing about how Flash is destroying the new MacBook Air? I mean, honestly. Do we really have to keep hearing about this? Does Adobe really have to rewrite their software and test betas specifically for MacBook Airs? Doesn't that right there tell us it's not a software issue? I mean, if it doesn't need a rewrite for Dell or the MacBook Pro, then why does it need a rewrite for the MacBook Air...oh yeah, because the computer has an issue with it.

Am I the only person that actually did a test on this hypothesis? I charged my MacBook Pro with Flash installed, then browsed till the battery died. Recharged, then uninstalled Flash and used the web the same way. Ya know what the results were? No DIFFERENCE!

So, my conclusion: The MacBook Air has shitty hardware. If Flash is killing your battery by 30%, the odds are good that it's not Flash. If Flash barely effects my older, not as long of life battery, but all of the sudden DESTROYS the life of this new "long life" battery, I gotta think the odds are good that the hardware is the issue.

The biggest problem here is that people love Apple so much, that they'd rather blame Adobe because that's what Steve does. You never hear Dell bitching about Flash. You never hear Asus crying about Flash plugins.

When I bought my MacBook Pro, it was said to have a 7-hour battery in it. That was a completely false claim. I have never gotten more than 5 hours out of it. I get 7 hours when the machine is asleep, but never when I'm operating.

If Apple wants to talk about software that's a resource hog, it needs to hate itself, because iTunes, iPhoto, & Garagband behave like I have a PowerPC G4 chip in my machine. I don't, I have a 2.53ghz core 2 duo with 4gb of RAM, but when I want to scroll in iTunes, it's choppy and I'm beach-ballin' the whole way. How is that possible?! Talk about a resource drain!

To the Mac-Heads of the world....WAKE UP! Think for yourself!

2010-11-12T13:35:00.006-06:00

There's a scene in Back to the Future where Doc and Marty are standing in the mall parking lot talking about time travel and then Doc sees a Volkswagon van full of Libyan terrorists. With his eyes locked on the van, he says,

"They found me. I don't know how, but they found me."

I feel like that today. Some of the twitter Christians that I've been running from have found one of my blogs that wasn't made known to them. I have been wondering all day how they found it. How could they have? We're not really connected in any way shape or form that would lead them there, and of course, on that blog, I have my new twitter handle and then they'll probably go and try to add me and find that I've blocked them. How crazy is it that I actually went in and blocked a lot of those people from this twitter ID? I guess that's the kind of separation I wanted.

I feel like I want to ditch the twitter ID and the blog. I don't think I will though. I was just realizing how happy I was in that community on twitter and with that blog and how much of an encouragement both had been. So, I won't get rid of them and I won't get bullied into letting people into it that I don't want. It's OK if I don't want them in that part of my life. I don't want them there because of the incessant arguments, discouragement, and overall garbage. There were good times, but man, the bad times vastly outnumber the good ones!

The post that was commented on, I have deleted. I don't need to have to continually defend myself for things I've written. I have also removed my twitter feed from the sidebar too.

Reinventing yourself virtually seems kind of lame, doesn't it? Maybe it's time to ditch it altogether and just stick with the beauty of this blog...it's perfect.

2010-11-11T13:34:00.002-06:00

So, since my last post, there's been some added stress. Not because of the future, but because of the present. Now, even though we're losing our jobs, they have us working harder than ever before. Why? Because some people operate under the delusion that there's some kind of Finance Hall of Fame where they'll immortalize our team for this last great final push as if this itself was a sort of Iwo Jima. So, now there's more pressure to produce than ever before. Kind of silly that when we had our job, the pressure was minimal, but now that we know our jobs are gone and we have no future here, all of the sudden we have an inordinate amount of pressure on us.

What's funny is that no one besides myself is worried about it and they keep underperforming. Not because they're lazy, but because how do you stay motivated to perform above standards when it's all for not?! They won't wake up December 10th, look at the figures and say, "Maybe we should keep this team." They'll wake up that day and say, "Well, it's their last day." Then, on the following business day, December 13th, they'll wake up and say, "Man, I don't even remember their names..."

My boss has this delusion that somewhere in the space/time continuum people will talk about us and say, "Damn, that team was somethin', weren't they?" SERIOUSLY!? That'd be possible in professional sports, but NEVER in Corporate America. No one will remember us except the people that miss our social interaction....not our work. Hell, if they were ever impressed by us, they wouldn't be firing us all, would they?! Time to wake up.

There's talk that they might dismiss us earlier than December 10th, and to be honest, that's what I'm hoping for. This silliness of all this intense pressure while we're on "death row" is stupid. Morale sinking to an all time low = never good.

Thankfully, time keeps moving forward and eventually, December 10th will come, and when the sun rises on that day, I'll be reborn. I know I will. I just know I will.

2010-11-09T13:37:00.002-06:00

About a month left here in corporate America. I haven't been stressed at all and haven't really thought about what's next much. Not because I'm lazy or don't care, but because I have no reason NOT to trust God. He took care of me last time this happened to me so I'm ready to see what happens next. I'm excited to see God work the way he loves to work. It's awesome.

Life is getting better and better as I go. My detachment from this world at work has been a lot of fun. In fact, it's brought me a lot of joy. It's brought me a lot of random laughter, which has a lot of my co-workers guessing as to what I'm laughing at. LOL! Some of them think it might be something they said. It's not. It's joy. Real joy.

Yesterday and today I stayed late at CrossFit and spent time talking to my coach about life and Jesus and how it all works. It was good. I know that several folks have been praying for him for quite some time and it's cool to see God working in his heart and his life. Both days we've had good talks. Gotta love making new friends.

Anywho, gotta run. Sorry for sucking at posting on this site.

2010-11-03T15:20:00.004-05:00

So here I am, 6 weeks away from being let go of my current job and I'm working my tail-feathers off. I'm doing so because my team lead has taken it upon herself, because she is mad at me for a comment I made to her, to make sure my last few weeks are rough. Well, mission accomplished so far. The comment I made was very simple and she just can't handle conflict, so she gets angry at me and then takes it out on me, which is exactly what my comment said.

She had confronted me about something I said in jest and just wanted to make sure it was in jest. It was very light and I can't even believe she thought I was serious. Just so you get a scope of what it was that I'm talking about, she pulls me into a meeting room and tells me that I'm supposed to send an email to my supervisor to remind her of the conversation I had with her yesterday about needing to leave early to vote. I never had that conversation, and I hadn't intended on voting. I told her that and she advised me to do so. Now, my team lead is a stickler for doing things by the book, so as we were leaving I said,

"Ok Miss Ethics!"

I was kidding around.

So anyway, she then pulls me into another meeting (2 hours later) to see if I was joking about the Miss Ethics comment. I assured her I was. She then asks me,

"Aren't you glad that I pulled you aside and asked you about it?"

I replied,

"What does it really matter? You usually just get mad at me, then take it out on me the rest of my day. At least if you did that, you'd be consistent."

Instead of talking that out, she immediately got mad at me and then the emails came...the usual,

"How much work have you done today?"
"Are you done with this yet?"

Then of course, when she would talk to me, she wouldn't make eye contact. In fact, she tried to set me up to look like an asshole in front of my supervisor. Of course it didn't work. I just don't understand why she just gets so personal about stuff. It's as if she has it out for me. This is the classic thing...she gets mad at me for something, then the emails start coming, then she ignores me. So mature. So professional. December 10th couldn't come any faster for me. Would love to put this place and this experience behind me and move on to something better.

2010-10-29T11:53:00.002-05:00

I'm very disconnected at work. The past 10 days I've just been releasing my ties to the people here because I know that outside of this job, we won't be friends or hang out much. It's how it always goes. We talk about staying in touch but never do. We randomly call or text or whatever, but it all just fades away. I'm OK with that. Life moves on.

I find that my life and personality are always twisting and turning in a paradox. I am an extrovert, but I prefer to be introverted. I get easily attached and just as easily detached. I can be very emotional and also emotionless. I actually had an ex-girlfriend tell me once that the thing she hates about me most is that I have my emotions on a switch and can just turn them off. She's right. I learned that I had that ability when I was very young and have never stopped doing it. I just realized that some things don't warrant emotional responses and that my emotions, if left unchecked do crazy things! So, I just shut them down with the flick of the switch. I always figured that would make me a good Ninja or Sniper. LOL!

Anywho, lame ducks all around and they're all forming alliances trying to get jobs together and as some stroke of luck would have it (in my favor of course), they're excluded me from all of it. Feels good. Detachment complete.

2010-10-19T16:49:00.002-05:00

Work has become a current where we just drift along and do what we can and for the most part, enjoy the ride. Being a "lame duck" as it were is not too bad. It can get extremely boring. The people who are responsible for giving us the work to do are in the same situation as us. That is, they're "lame ducks" as well, so you can imagine they have little to no urgency in shoveling work onto out proverbial plates.

I've been half-tempted to fire up my Netflix app on my iPhone and catch up on The Office. I have been able to hold off on doing that thus far, but it's awfully tempting.

I have a job interview tomorrow for a job similar to mine but the pay is better. I figured it would be easier to work in the same field since my experience here at a big corporation might look good on a resume. I don't like the work but for the most part, it's easy, so I could do it. I'm curious as to what they'll have available for me. I would love to find something very different than what I'm doing, but to avoid being unemployed, I would do anything. Being unemployed, although fun to have free time, is obnoxious when you're poor. LOL! The downfall to this job interview is I have to go online and fill out a bunch of applications and stuff, which I hate doing. How bout I do that after the interview.

I'm pretty much going to read for the next 50 minutes then head home.

Tonite is my night to clean the gym I attend. I love Tuesday nights. I crank the music and spend time in a place that I love to be in. I am forging great memories in that gym and great friendships too. Today after my workout, a guy in my group left an encouraging comment on my facebook wall. He's one of the "elite athletes" in the gym and he's also one of the most watchful and encouraging guys out there. I'd have to say, he's one of my heroes at the gym. Him and Garth. They're both older than me and in amazing shape and they always kick ass at the workouts. And besides being big competitors at CrossFit, they're even bigger cheerleaders for people like me who aren't as finely tuned. It's excellent. And this is why I don't mind being there from 8pm to 10:30pm on Tuesday nights. It gives me a chance to "give back" to the community and say, "Thanks!"

Alright, potty break, then back to the desk.

2010-10-15T13:42:00.002-05:00

So, today they have security and HR personnel patrolling the hallways and aisles to make sure people, who are of lame duck status, are working. If people aren't "working" then they are being terminated without any severance pay. Kind of funny. I feel like we're under marshal law or something. And these security guards...they're big, round, and out of shape. Even in my overweight state, I could easily out run them.

I've decided that I will keep working and stay as focused as I can on the tasks ahead of me.

I'm still pretty unaffected by all of this. I know that what's coming is better so I'm keeping that mindset. There are nothing but opportunities ahead and I'm ready for that.

2010-10-14T11:24:00.003-05:00

We just found out today that our company is moving our business to their offices in Pennsylvania. I knew this would happen. I knew that this was a possibility once we were bought by another company. I've been through this 2 other times. Downsizings and position relocations are nothing new to me.

This time feels a lot different. I feel more at peace. I feel ready. I feel like God is setting the stage for something more for me. I don't know what it is. I have no idea. But I'm ready to go forward.

It was kind of funny, I was the only one in the room smiling the whole time. This is life. This is what the world without God looks like. It's cold and void of emotion...thankfully, I can be too. :) So, it's all good. I have some interviews that are lining up next week so I might be able to move away from this whole transition thing.

2010-10-13T13:56:00.002-05:00

I'm having a really hard time coming up with questions to ask my co-worker to give her validation....I don't really have any today. I don't know what to do.

2010-10-11T13:00:00.004-05:00

Today has been a really funny day for me at work. Nothing too out of the ordinary has happened, but there's something I'm doing today that is really funny and it's kind of out of the ordinary for me. I had a 1 on 1 with my supervisor last week and she told me that someone on our team feels like she is unapproachable because I don't ask her questions. Then, I was told that if I had questions to feel free to ask my teammates and the ones around, and especially this girl. What I didn't tell my supervisor, was the only reason I never asked her any questions is that I've been asking the people who sit by me and they've been helping me resolve the issues I was having. Anywho, with all that said, I've been going out of my way to ask her questions, even questions I know the answer to.

I'm doing this because her and I have had a history of not getting a long well and the last 6 months we've gotten along great. 2 months ago, for the first time in 2 years, she stopped by my desk just to chit-chat. That's pretty cool. So, if it will ease her insecurities to ask some questions, I'll do it.

As far as everything else on the work front, I walk around with my earbuds in and mind my own business. I'm finding it easier to just disconnect from the work world and take care of what's on my desk. Trying to get better at single-tasking and improving work output, and other such work things like that.

I have decided that I'm not going to do the interviews that I have scheduled this week. They're for positions that are the same as mine and I realized that no matter what the financial situation would be, I would not like it and it would just be the same thing...why not do the same thing with people I care about?

I've been reading a lot of Tim Ferris lately, as well as watching his webcasts and stuff that he does. My favorites are The Random Show that he does with Kevin Rose. I'm a big digg fan and I think Kevin and Tim are both great game-changer kind of guys so it's always cool to see what they're reading and interacting with. I've recently watched a panel that Tim Ferris was on called, "Zen, Tea, and the Art of Life Management". I'm not a big Zen kind of guy, but the tips on life management that were shared were incredible. Not to mention, 2 of my all-time favorite bloggers were on the panel: Leo Babauta from zenhabits.net and Tim Ferris. They just have such great, practical, down to earth advice to share. If you're reading this, check it out. Levi, you especially. Disconnect, unplug, block out leisure time. Enjoy and savor life.

I bought an audio book today from iTunes. I picked up The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. Pollan has appeared on several food documentaries I've watched and this book was also a recommendation found on The Random Show. So far it's been pretty good. It has made the commute pretty awesome. It makes me not mind going slow or sitting in traffic because I'm taking in what's being said. I like that. It's nice to enjoy the commute.

I'm on lunch break. I need to go now and rest and get ready for the 2nd half of my day.

2010-10-07T22:17:00.002-05:00

So after a long fun day at work here I am at home, it's 10:18pm and instead of going to bed, I'm blogging. Why? Because outside of Transit, there really wasn't much of a bright spot in my day except leaving work and talking to my mom on the phone. Work was tough. My team lead decided to pick on me again. Apparently I'm not allowed to socialize while I'm on my break. Well, that's not exactly true. She was yelling at me (over email of course) for socializing and told me only to visit on my breaks. I then told her that I was on my break and I never heard from her again.

Wouldn't it have just been easier for her to have asked me, "hey, are you on your break?" Then I could've said yes, it's been a busy morning so I'm just now finally getting around to taking a break, I was making my daisy dukes for church. But instead of that, she just began accusing me, asking me to send her how much work I've done, and then basically told me it wasn't enough.

Thanks for all the encouragement and positive reinforcement. Thanks for just belittling me and making me feel like a piece of garbage. She's very good at that. What's even funnier is, this always happens when she's in a bad mood. I don't know what happens to her before I get there that puts her in that bad mood, but I notice that when she doesn't say good morning to me that she's in a bad mood, and then usually a few hours later, she'll send some email because I'm doing something wrong or out of line and she treats me like a 7th grader. It's kind of funny to me. It's like, just do what you have to do as a team lead, report me to the supervisor and she'll write me up. It's that simple. No need to get personal or treat me like trash. Just follow the book. Take the steps to discipline or correct me, instead of ramming my nose in the shit and wiping it all over my face. It's very degrading.

I find it funny that people make places like corporate america the center of their lives. I am having a hard time even mustering up something that resembles an emotion about it. They're rats in a maze...they're doing what they have to do. I can't be mad at them for that. I can however laugh on the inside at the slavery they have shackled themselves to. I can laugh at how free I am of that and allow all the good parts of my mind the opportunity to never come to work with me and only take the dull logic side to work, and then leave, emotionally unattaching from everyone there....I think I would like that. I suppose that's a benefit of having your emotions on a switch. One of my ex-girlfriends hated that about me. One minute I would be very emotional, then the next, be totally void of emotion. It's my defense mechanism I guess. It's a handy one to have too.

So, I will wake up tomorrow, go to CrossFit, then to work, probably be written up, laugh my ass off on the inside, work a little, enjoy a weekend, then go to several interviews for new jobs. Then, if the opportunity is afforded...never return. Yeah, that would be just as sweet. I need to update my shuffle now and get it ready for work tomorrow.

Peace.

2010-10-06T21:22:00.002-05:00

I finally have a few minutes to update this blog so here we go. In fact, I've had to fight tooth & nail to get the few minutes that I do have. Life has seemed to be moving at an incredible pace as of late. I think it all has to do with my new schedule and working out early in the morning instead of the night time. I get up at 4:30am every day except Wednesday. That means, I am usually pretty tired at about 8:30pm and ready to sleep by 9:30pm. Unfortunatley, I haven't been going to bed that early, but tonite, I will be close!

I went on a second date with a girl tonite. There won't be a third. There can't be a third. It was awful. You would have to pay me to go on a date with this girl again. I have tried my best to date people the last few weeks and I've hated every minute of it. Neither of the dates have been fun or cool. They've been, "OK" to say the least. Is that what it's supposed to be like? To hell with that! I'm done. This is one of the areas in life where if God says, "Stop and let go" I will gladly, and easily do so. I have been out of this scene for a LONG time and I have no problem getting out of it again. In fact, I thought it sucked! And in all honesty, I hear God saying that to me...time to just step aside from this dating crap and let it go. It's not that I'm forcing it, it's just that I don't really like going on these dates and the formality of it all. Why can't I just get to know someone and then fall in love with them?

I don't know, it just seems so foreign to me. It's as if the whole dating thing is something I CAN'T do, like I don't have the ability to do it or something. When I go on dates, especially recently, I just never really want to be there. I try to get into it. I try to be optimistic and give everyone chances to see if it will be awesome, but it never is. I don't ever get butterflies when I'm going to meet or pick them up. I get more butterflies when I'm worrying about what the Workout of the Day will be when they're posting it in the mornings. I get more butterflies when I worry about the possibility of sharting at work if I try to fart too hard.

Not to bitch about it too much, but I think it's the girls I've asked out. They're just nothing like what I want. I am manufacturing some synthetic desire to be around them...I can't do that. Even now, I feel sick to my stomach, almost empty just thinking about them...sad, right?! Maybe weird?

So, with all that in mind, I'm giving up on dating for now. Going to focus on God, Family, Friends, and CrossFit. That's it. Those are the only things that make me smile, have butterflies, cause me to want to be around it/them more, etc. Blog, I missed you. I'm sorry I'm an infidel.

2010-09-29T16:50:00.002-05:00

So after parts of life melting down and sucking, things started looking up. This week I was scheduled for a job interview with another firm. I had to reschedule the interview due to scheduling complications, but everything is still OK and in tact, so I'm looking forward to what that may hold. I will be doing the same work, but for more pay and more opportunity and from what I can tell, leaving the healthcare industry, which is something I've wanted to do for a while...although, it's hard to beat the stability of the HC industry, it's also easy to beat their inability to organize and make sense.

Moving forward will be hard. I have formed some seriously great friendships here at this job and have enjoyed my time here greatly. I have some other things in the works as far as jobs, and hoping to hear back from a few more and line up some more interviews. Would be nice to just have a salad-bar of offers to entertain.

2010-09-27T13:43:00.002-05:00

So, over the course of the past 18 hours a major shit storm has taken over my life. I made some major mistakes. I had good intentions but they backfired on me. It's proof that whatever I get near just gets destroyed. Probably why I can never hold down a relationship of my own, let alone actually do something nice for others. Damn.

I know I'm being hard on myself and Shane has done a great job of encouraging me today, so for that, I thank you! I know that no matter what I'm going to get through this, if that means with less friends, then so be it. I would hate that, but I know that sometimes, mistakes are tough to overlook or let go and I made a major mistake. I would've rather had a major mistake at work doing work stuff than something with my friends.

This has made the day tough to bear. My stomach feels quite ill, I'm distracted, and I barely slept last night. And when I did sleep, I had a dream about this situation. Luckily I survived CrossFit this morning, but work is suffering greatly...

I know that this is going to pass. The part I hate the most is that I said a lot of mean things about a person in that conversation. And I didn't intend for them to come out mean or to sound mean, they just did. And I was just being stupid and typing some of that and if that got back to that person I know it would hurt them. Even though we're not close or tight, she's still cool with me and I gave her shit in that chat. Although, I did say she was a good person at one point to and kind of redeemed that, but still, I can't take those words back. I just wish it was buried and never brought up. Maybe it never will be brought up. Maybe it will be buried, but I'd rather not live in that kind of ignorance. It's a possibility. I just say poop out of my mouth a lot and it's just getting old Gross. It's just getting old...and it goes on and it's old.

Hopefully this storm passes soon.

2010-09-24T16:02:00.001-05:00

Today I started my new strategy of dealing with my job and the negativity. It has been overwhelmingly effective. I've decided not to be a dick or an asshole, but to become invisible by not really speaking much. I haven't left my desk much accept to use the washroom, fetch lunch, and get coffee or water. The reactions have been quite hilarious. Most people had no idea I was here. I think that's the funniest thing in the world. Others thought maybe I was sad or depressed or something was wrong. Honestly, I've never felt happier or more relieved at work. I feel great! I feel so far removed from this place and it's drama that it's crazy!

My strategy is working and it's helping my soul find rest here. Stress just never finds me. In fact, my team lead who sent that email I quoted in my previous post emailed me asking why I wasn't speaking to her. I told her that I just didn't have the chance. The one time she came by my desk I was on the phone so I couldn't chit-chat. I'm not going to approach her desk since that would be visiting and she has asked me not to visit (as per her email in the previous post), otherwise I would be written up. I'm going to follow the letter of the law here to a "T". So far, it's been fantastic! I feel very free.

When the big boss stopped by to ask me what's up I told her that this company didn't deserve the fun, happy Brad, so he won't be back anytime soon. She laughed and agreed. I told her that I was just going to come in from now on and just work, work, work, and then leave and go on with life. Other than that, I will stay close to the ones I'm close with.

One thing that hasn't changed though is that God is still putting me in situations to care for others. I may be invisible, but not to who He wants me to attend to. On the way to the bathroom I ran into a co-worker who was upset and crying. She needed a hug, so I gave her one.

I won't be so flippant with who I am anymore. I will be intentional and sincere. Quality, not quantity.

I like this new Brad. He's really cool and elusive, yet caring and tender. LORD, keep this up, I like what you're doing here.

2010-09-23T16:08:00.001-05:00

Work has been tough today. After having a great half day yesterday, in which I was sure I behaved, I came in this morning to read this email from my team lead:

"Brad,
Today was a short workday for you. It is EXTREMELY important that you keep in mind the below regarding visits. You cannot come in at 9:30 and start visiting. I know (supervisor's name) does not want to write you up and I don’t want to ask her to do it, but after talking with you about this what is the next option? Is there any way we assist you? We really need your cooperation."

This email was sent 5 hours after I left. I hadn't even been in the building for 5 hours and she sent this to me. After I read it I was a little perturbed but then I started to laugh at it. All day yesterday people were visiting at each other's desk and talking, my team lead included, and for some reason, the guy who sat at his desk with his headphones on most of the day, gets that kind of email.

I responded with a very vague, "OK." I told my supervisor that the email bugged me and that I would save my team lead the energy and make a personal request for myself to be written up. Being written up is one of the dumbest things about corporate America. It reminds me of elementary school when I had to take a letter home to my parents to let them know I talk to much.

When I would bring those letters home, my mom would sign them and hand them back to me with little to no correction. When confronted by my teacher my mom said,

"He's a social boy, he enjoys people and making others laugh. He also told me that you yell at him for helping others, is that true?"

I just think it's so cool that my mom could see who I was. Corporate America doesn't give a shit about who I am. I'm OK with that. I'm not here for them.

Work wants a lifeless, emotionless drone to do their work. I'm going to give them a Brad Gross they've never seen before...I'll be leaving my personality at home Monday-Friday. When they finally see who I really am, they won't like it. But then again, they no longer have a choice. I won't let them have a fun Brad any more. I can't bring that part of me here. They have no idea what they're getting into.

2010-09-09T15:21:00.006-05:00

So this morning I woke up to an email from one of my old friends that I met through twitter. He was commenting on a blog post that I wrote regarding a debate that was taking place on his facebook page. It was funny to me that he decided to send an email. I'm going to copy and paste the body of that email now...

"Just thought I'd point out that your latest blog post was quite the stir in the DM section of twitter and facebook....LOL....and very, in my view, Perry Noble-esque to close comments on a post where you criticize people for criticizing people....LOL.....You're right, the Bible says numerous times to shut up and let people believe whatever they want. OH WAIT....it might even say "leave that shit alone"....Yep, definitely.....LMAO! Ya just can't do that bro....it's like the little punk kids I grew up with.....they would scream and yell and talk lots of smack......from their front porch, where I couldn't get to em....LOL"

A few things crossed my mind when I read this...(1) He was putting LOL's and LMAO in the email a little too frequently...makes me think he's masking his anger at me. (2) He's pissed because I apparently have taken a fundamental freedom away from him by not opening my comment section on that post. (3) He's eluding to some sort of blogging rule book that I am not aware of telling me about something I can't do. (4) He's implying I deserve some sort of smack for what I said in my blog post or that I'm teasing them.

This just made me think, "welcome to the Christian Blogosphere! Here you can find an unlimited amount of unsolicited criticism and advice!!!!"

This is exactly what drove me away. My blog no longer became a place for me to process. It was no longer a place for me to vent. All that was taken away from me with readers. I have to do this, or I have to do that, or I have to be this or that...whatever. Dear people, please stop taking blog and twitter so seriously and get on with life. Just another great case where you have a group of Christians ruining something for others. Like the same ones they keep writing about...they're no different.

I explained to him that I was venting in the post which is why the comments were closed. I didn't need someone's feedback for a vent. I just wanted to vent. I love that I have to be confined to someone else's ideas of what MY blog should be. This is where their entitlement is interfering with my ownership. Christian entitlement....what a fucking oxymoron.

So, I deleted the blog and now this is all I have left for life stuff. I do keep a paleo blog, but I don't keep it updated.

Back to where it all started. The safest place to hide from all those Christians. Thank God.

2010-09-08T14:24:00.003-05:00

I started another facebook profile. I did so to promote concert events at my house. I have decided to keep my profile very stripped down and pay little to no attention to it. I hate facebook. Logging into it via my phone today showed me why I hate it.

Christians arguing with Christians.

Yep, that's crazy, right? The best part is that none of them care to ever use Scripture. They just talk about what they think Jesus would say or do or respond to a certain situation. It's nothing more than solid proof to me that Christians on the web today are hardly reading their Bibles. Chris and I talked about this last saturday. No one is training anyone biblically. No one is learning to study the scriptures, instead, they're taking what they think or feel about what they loosely know about Jesus and posting that all over the web.

The same people that bash haters and crap on them for a lack of love, suffer from the same lack of love. I always find that so funny. You can sit there and comment on someone and tell them they need to love people and be the light, but the way you say it is void of love and light. How does that work?! How can you tell people to love more when you say it like an asshole? Ridiculous. I immediately deleted the iPhone app for Facebook. I don't need any reminders of why I deleted that cesspool in the first place.

Another thing that's been on my mind is me and my dark passenger. I realized that the show Dexter has influenced me to handle my dark passenger the same way Dexter does. Manage it. Feed it. Acknowledge it's there and just live with it.

I realized how contrary that is to the Gospel and promises of God. I can't foster my dark passenger! I have to be done with it. I have to cut it away. If it causes me excruciating pain, then I do it because the surpassing worth of being found in him is worth it. What the hell was I thinking? I just kept noticing that the more and more I tried to manage it, the darker and darker I got. I fostered it and it became "healthy" and began to grow. It isn't there to benefit me, it's there to destroy me.

I will watch Season 5 with a whole new perspective.

2010-09-02T13:33:00.002-05:00

I finished Dexter season 4 last night. It's bittersweet for me. I'm glad for the possibility of not staying up through the wee hours of the night to watch episode after episode and I'm looking forward to more sleep. However, I can't think of a better TV show. It's better than The Shield, Heroes, Lost, and everything else I've ever watched.

More sleep will be good as I start Crossfit in 2 weeks. Looking forward to that but I know it's going to destroy me for the first month. I think the time will kill me more than the workout itself since I'm going to sign up for the 5:30am classes, otherwise known as The Graveyard Gang. I'm going to design a GYG shirt too for the group. It will be nice after the class I'll be able to go home, shower, eat and relax before work, then have all my evenings free. It will be good for me.

I feel like I've been drifting again. Drifting in a way that is neither good nor bad, just kind of floating along. It's been OK. I feel like there's a part of me that needs to be let go of but it keeps clinging to me. Maybe it's my dark passenger. My flesh. My condemned nature that still dwells in this flesh somewhere. I hear it. I feel like it just keeps trying to take control of me and I see and feel the Holy Spirit warring for me. This keeps going on and on. I sometimes wonder if it's just the normal thing and I'm just being honest with it. Other times I wonder if I'm really just on the edge of walking away. But I know I'm not on that edge and I want nothing to do with a life apart from Christ. It's just been so hard lately. That damn dark passenger and his whispers.

It reminds me of The Great Divorce, which is something Chris has been quoting a lot at Transit. It reminds me of the guy with the little lizard on his shoulder whispering in his ear. I would never liken mine to a tiny lizard. I would liken it to a giant wolf like creature that's never satisfied. It whispers, yells, confronts me. It just feels crazy sometimes. Where does it come from? Why am I dealing with this still? I'm trusting in the knowledge that God has set me free and that he promises to release us all from this damned flesh. I'm ready. I'm waiting.

2010-08-31T14:05:00.002-05:00

I'm more than ready for fall to come. I'm pretty sick of this disgustingly hot and humid weather. I guess overall it's been good for food production, but then again, most of the crops grown around here are non-edible corn so it wouldn't kill me to see that all die...less HFCS in the world would be a good thing.

I've been observing how my lack of a web presence has been like an auto cleaning of my friends. I have less now because most of them only contacted me via twitter, facebook or my blog. It's funny. All this social community is now gone because I decided to go a different route. It's fun to see who stuck with me. It gives me a greater appreciation for them.

I realized that some people in the blogosphere and twitterverse were only my friends because I could do something for them. Now that I have nothing to offer them but me, it's all gone. They've left town with no forwarding address.

I'm sorry to blog about all of this again, but I just wanted to emphasize to myself that the social webs are shallow and self-serving. There, I said it. Which is why I won't go back. I probably sound like a brat...oh well.

2010-08-30T13:07:00.002-05:00

The new week is here and I'm not very thrilled about it. The air is light and the tension is no where to be found. Not sure why. Normally it's a little more tight in here. No matter what, I'll take it. There's seldom a Monday that feels this loose.

The weekend was OK. I'm looking forward to this coming weekend so I can just veg out and chill. Going to enjoy a lot of nature and just move slowly. Might do some trail walking at Volo Bog. Not sure yet.

Last night I spent some time and caught up on some blogs. Most of which are Christian type blogs that I don't keep in my RSS reader. My RSS Reader is mainly friends and blogs I love like Tim Ferris', TUAW, The Apple Blog, Mark's Daily Apple, etc. Information I love to read. I keep looser tabs on friends blogs except A Cup and A Chair and a few others; they get reserved space in my RSS Reader.

It was interesting to me to see how no matter how different these Christian/Church blogs were trying to be, they were just saying the same things as the people they were trying to be nothing like. It was equally hilarious and disturbing. I think the one thing they all have in common, and the one thing I'm not buying into, is they anchor their blog, their thinking, their ideology in the Church and not the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Ultimately, the Gospel leads us to become The Church, but it seems that the overarching emphasis of these writers and their blogs all comes back to the Church. The Church this, the Church that, etc.

I had a conversation with a friend last night who is taking part in this year long "discipleship" program where a book is read every month and discussed. Some of the books that are read are the secular leadership books and productivity books, which it seems every church is reading nowadays. That's find and dandy I guess, but what interest are they to the church? I understand the idea of making good leaders, that kind of makes sense, especially since I used to buy that hook line and sinker. But, what if we made more disciples. Real disciples. Not leaders who can just make decisions, but actually walk through life as an honest to goodness disciple of Christ? What does that look like?

And I ask that last question with the backdrop of the current version of the church. You know, the one filled with millions upon millions of people who don't actively study the scriptures or know how to. The Christians that are mostly biblically illiterate. Why are they reading David Allen? Why are they reading Jim Collins? Why not Ezekiel?

Why do we put so much into creating leaders? "Go and make leaders of every nation..."

Time to get back to our roots. This all points right back to me and reminds me that I need to be a student of the scriptures. I need to get my nose deeper in that Bible of mine.

2010-08-27T15:35:00.004-05:00

Transit was a lot of fun last night. We all had a great time and Chris is definitely going to bring the heat on this Jude/2Peter series. He always brings the heat, but I felt like last night that he's ready more than ever to just rock us good on this one. And, in my selfish way it makes me happy because for some reason I feel like it's a continuation of the Philippians series, which of course, I loved VERY much.

In terms of life, work is OK. Our supervisor received back all the data from the colleague survey that we took and the team specific results showed her something she already knew. Our team was happy with each other just not the organization. I wonder if we could sell ourselves as one big entity to another company? We all work very well together and we all care for one another a great deal. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the year pans out for all of us. Most of us are getting frustrated with the overall lack of opportunity here.

2010-08-26T14:02:00.002-05:00

I called my mom this morning. We had a great talk. She forgave me and was glad to see that I finally understand and have decided to let go of the past. My mom is happy where she is and I want her to be happy. I won't tell her to move her or try to make her feel bad about not living around here.

I told her that I was sorry that every time we talk I try to steal her joy. I mean, what kind of twisted fuck does that?! How could I do that to my own mother. This is part of the darkness in me. The part of me that pursues destruction. I'm OK with admitting that part of me. I only do so to be free of it. I talk about it to show myself who I am. I talk about it because I know the Holy Spirit is warring to save me from it and that's why after the conversation I felt remorse, guilt, and conviction. Because God has not forsaken me!

That's why I love this blog more than iheartbrad.com. If I posted that there, all I'd get was some half-assed attempts at some kind of advice that would never do anything for me because it would be carbon. It would be so lifeless to me. I would probably laugh at it. I would probably grow more cynical towards it.

Here, this is where my life will breathe because the only people that read it truly care about me. They really and literally DO LIFE WITH ME. Those guys are important to me. They're beyond the twitter friends who are really only friends with you if you're on twitter. After you leave, there's a lot of BS about how they miss you and what not. Miss you enough to not call.

This is what the online community is...fake. It's a fake love...because it's what the world offers. It offers you empty promises and false hopes. But the guys who read this love me in real life and in real time and I'm coming to appreciate that more and more. It's opened me up more and more to be honest and completely transparent. I like this me...the one who's messed up and not ashamed to share it. I'm not ashamed of the thoughts I have anymore because I can tell people about them and watch Satan lose all his power over me because now these things are in the light...a place where his weak, dark power has nothing. It's exposed as a failure.

I believe that Satan is warring for us all. And it's obvious he uses unmentionable things to do so. However, Christ has overcome even Satan. Victory and growth and change are so much larger on the horizon and I love that.

Thanks brothers.

2010-08-25T23:37:00.003-05:00

iheartbrad.com is finally off the web. It's still somewhat available, however, there's nothing there. I kind of think of it as a cruel joke. People will go there, they won't get a 404 error, they'll just get a blank white page staring them in the face. It makes me laugh. I wish I could hear what they say when they go to it and see that there's nothing left. I'm sick like that. A Grade-A control freak, that's me. It was evident on my phone call with my mom tonite. I took control, stole thunder from her and basically was condescending. Why do I treat her like that? Why do I have to go into this cycle of phone call with my, talk a bunch of crap, then regret it later. No doubt she'll be getting a call from me tomorrow.

I love my mom. I really do. I miss her all the time. I wish she lived around here. I wish she'd just move up here to be with us. I know she misses us. I know she wants to be around us but she loves Kentucky. It's her own little Eden and I keep trying to pluck her out of it. I get that now. No matter what her circumstances are, she loves it there. I keep showing up and robbing her of her joy and ushering in dark clouds to every decent sky she has. This is part of my darkness. I create through destruction. I wonder if I go through these things so that I reach this point here, the reflective part. The part of the story where something is FINALLY learned by my asshole self.

No doubt she'll get a call from me tomorrow. I wonder if I'll sleep much tonite. It's very heavy tonite.

2010-08-24T17:06:00.003-05:00

Tonite I'm taking down iheartbrad.com. I'm looking forward to it. It's the end of something and the beginning of something else. It's the end of me caring about web presence and content and readers and fans and followers and whatever. It's the final piece of my exodus from social media. This will be all I have left. That's the way I want it. A blog I never advertise or publicize or care if I have an audience or not.

Tonite I will shrink-wrap iheartbrad.com to the table, make it look at its victim, and then remove it from society. Then I'll dismantle the pieces, place them in garbage bags, and put them smack dab in the middle of the gulf stream. Peace at last.

2010-08-19T17:15:00.002-05:00

Today I realized that I can't control people's lives. And I don't mean that I've become some dictator or some kind of tyrant that tells people what to do. I mean it in the way that even if I see people who are doing dangerous or risky things that may cause them pain or hurt or drama, I can't always be the one to intervene or monitor them to try and stop them. I have to let them just live. I have to just let nature take it's course. I have to do that more for my own sanity. I keep worrying about other people's lives too much. I need to let go and just be their friend and not their overseer and stop worrying. If something disastrous happens, then I need to be there to love them through the fallout.

It will make my life easier and it will probably keep our friendship from going weird. I'm cool with that.

2010-08-16T16:11:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been noticing myself slipping a bit. I've been acting like I used to act before Philippians. That bugs me. I have to say, in my heart of hearts, if I could go re-live that 17 weeks again, I would. And for me, there was a lot of pain and sorrow in the midst of that 17 weeks, but I would go relive it again and again. I felt so in touch with the Kingdom of God. I have no idea why that's slipping. I have no idea how it's diminishing. For those 17 weeks, everything was in such a better perspective.

Chris has been doing a great job with the Heaven series. I've been enjoying it, but in all honesty, and Chris I know you read this so no offense, but man, it ain't no Philippians. :) I love Chris and all that he has taught me. I'm glad that Philippians has stuck with me so deeply. So much so, that I continually think about it. I would put that series against any other series in combat and KNOW that Philippians would destroy any who stand against it. I even think Chris outdid his Sin series from fall of 2007. That was a killer series. I still listen to that one often.

I noticed how I handled a phone call at work today with another insurance company how I bypassed considering myself less than others and went right into my entitlement mode. When I was talking to Levi Saturday on our way to Golden Corral (heaven for some) I mentioned that the word "entitled" doesn't even belong in a Christians vocabulary...how funny that I won't say the word, but I'll behave in a way that expresses my ownership of it.

Philippians taught me how valuable grace is. It is SOOOOO valuable to me. It has taught me to understand how it can be valuable as it is something that I NEED. It means so much to me to know that God saved me.

I realized this morning on my drive into work that I've been starving myself of the Word of God. It's been obvious in my thoughts, my actions, and my life in general. While meditating on that thought on the way to work I just continually felt wrapped in peace and the patience of God that he's not going to pass me up or forsake me because I'm an idiot. It was so comforting.

I'm becoming more and more ready for the next life....the REAL life. This world just offers nothing to me except trials and hardships. There have been some good things along the way; family, friends, etc. But for the most part, it's just pissing me off.

2010-08-12T13:34:00.002-05:00

This week has flown by. I can't believe it's already Thursday. Tonite will be one of the best nights of the week as it always is and then tomorrow night will be a somewhat low point of the week--I have a wedding to go to. And it's not the wedding that is bumming me out, it's going to be seeing all the old people from Torch and having to tell everyone 100 times what I've been doing. As each person approaches me, they're going to ask, "So, what have you been up to?" Then the next person will ask the same question, then again, then again, again, again, again, again, etc.

I'm sure there will be some that will be pissed that I left Torch to ultimately "do" nothing. There will be some that probably don't really care because they'll just be making small talk. I wish I could just assemble everyone together at the reception and tell them all in one fell swoop:

"I've been discovering the Gospel and allowing it to completely transform my life and I've been sharing it with everyone wherever I go. I stopped going to church and started living like the Church. It's been great, you all should try it when you're done with your 1 book a month programming that you guys do."

Sadly, I won't have that kind of forum. But, I can always leave early and salvage the Friday night and go out!!!

Dear Friday, I promise to make you smile.

2010-08-11T16:03:00.004-05:00

I'm looking forward to tonite. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and going out with friends. I want to see my friends, have a few beers and enjoy some good music. I'm glad my buddy is DJ'ing tonite. He's my mentor. He brought me into this business. He's still teaching me and I'm still learning. The ryhthm of this post is so boring.

Time to switch it up.

There's a lot of tension in the air at work today. It's a varying tension. My own tension is a very personal kind of almost sexual tension. I get all restless when I'm cooped up inside for a long time. Not to mention, I've been training people and it's very hard for me to be completely patient when I know I'm explaining something simple. Not to mention, one of the people I'm training is this incredible girl from Paraguay. She's definitely a WOW. Her curves, her accent, her walk, everything....it just complicates everything in my day. Makes me want to growl like a tiger! But, I refrain.

I keep myself vigilant to try to remain pure and not think those thoughts. It's been tough but not too bad. Other than that, the past few days have been pretty good. I've been dealing with yet another Christian girl who thinks that if I talk to her more than 3 times in a month that I MUST want to date her or marry her. Quite the contrary. This girl in particular is nothing like a girl I'd date. In fact, she'd be a ton of work to just date. I don't need that. I don't want that. I just want to look her in the eyes and say,

"I don't like you! I'm just using you for your conversation, that's all you are to me, a conversation!"

This is why I just stay away from Christian girls. Not sure why I even tried to be friends with her since I predicted (accurate as always) the outcome...3 different evenings of conversation and now she's dropping words like "friend" and "pal" in texts. As if I needed some reminder that we're only friends. Here's a great example of a text or statement:

"Hey friend, how are you today?"

I always want to respond,

"Hey bland-girl, how are you today?"

I mean, if we're going to use generic descriptors to identify each other, why not be honest?! LOL! I just don't get it. Stop giving yourself SOOO much credit as to think that just because a guy likes talking to you he wants to marry you!! It's simply not true. If I haven't told you that I want to date you or that I'm interested in you, save us both some shit and stop assuming that I do!!

Other than that, life is good. :)